Cautious Sanchez rose slowly into the proscenium hole in the little Punch and Judy theater he had built out of a refrigerator box. His fatty fingers clutched celebrity faces clipped from the glossies and affixed to chopsticks?the stars of the gala Sanchez Celebrity Christmas Pageant, for which preproduction had just gotten under way. At the time, brainstorming Sanchez was gazing at the clipped visage of Christina Aguilera and wondering whether the diminutive blonde would better rub-him-the-right-way as a shepherd or one of the three kings. (Supersmart Sanchez had already decided to cast fave 'N Sync member Lance Bass With The Big Weird Face in all three roles as the principals of the holy family.) Aguilera, incidentally, performed this Sunday at what MTV online?its big gooey dot-com eyes glistening with hope?called Santa.com's "first annual" Christmas parade. Anyhow, scared Sanchez cowered behind his tightly clutched Lance on a Stick as his Sister glowered at him, hissing as she crossed the room waving a copy of last week's New York Press at him. She pointed to the illo above Armond White's column?her beloved Pikachu shot in its gentle little Pikachu face by the Tom Hanks-voiced cowboy doll, captioned "Toy Story 2 kicks Pokemon's ass."
"'How can you work for these awful people,' wheezes the teary-eyed Sister of Sanchez!" the teary-eyed Sister of Sanchez wheezed. At which point she rolled up the New York Press and batted startled Sanchez square in the face. Sanchez fell against the back wall of the cardboard booth, which then hit the floor with an understated wumpf! as the Sister of Sanchez began to kick at it. Tumbling Sanchez rattled in his box like a tiny turtle trapped in a shell nine sizes too large!
Eventually the steaming Sister of Sanchez stomped away, and relieved Sanchez was left to weakly recount for his readers the comings and goings of the world of show business. The Judds announced last Wednesday that they'd start a tour on Feb. 4 of 2000 in Denver, and keep on rocking in the free world 'til roughly April. "We're red, we're raucous, and we're ready to roll," mama Naomi?a recent hepatitis C recoveree?told AP. "We're going out on tour because I'm not dead, and she's not pregnant." Elsewhere on the AP online home, psyched Sanchez read that Jack Klugman won a palimony suit filed by former lover-of-20-years Barbara Neugass. "I feel like I just won the Kentucky Derby!" 77-year-old Klugman enthused after winning the suit, in which Klugman testified for the record that he never loved Neugass, who, according to AP, "told reporters that the former co-star of television's 'The Odd Couple' lied about their emotional involvement." Current star of his own private psychedelic reel?in which the boot-bottom-patterns of his Sister make ghostly appearances on his sides and limbs in lovely shades of purple and blue?wistful Sanchez only wished that he could relish that kind of rare and real romance in his own life!
Somewhat nervous Sanchez notes that Britney celebrated her 18th birthday on Wednesday at Halo, here in New York. MTV Online mentioned that Enrique Iglesias and 'N Sync were on the guest list?superbored Sanchez just can't believe how hopped up people get about the rumors of her ongoing affair with Justin Timberlake; it's much more interesting to contemplate the absolutely ridiculous gossip item that links her with former A Tribe Called Quest second-banana Phife. But, superior Sanchez sniffs, the people do like a note of realism in their rumors, don't they? In the same item, MTV trots out old Kentwood school pal "Tara" to dish on Britney's days on the track team. "Everybody got on the line, the starting blocks, and they shot the gun, and everybody just went, but Britney just stood there... She had no idea? She didn't know what the gunshot meant." Superconfused Sanchez wonders why anybody at any high school in America would pause to ponder what a gunshot means, when there are clearly at least 10 stations on cable built for that very purpose, and it's far more pressing to figure out whether the shots are coming toward or away from the cafeteria. Still elsewhere in the piece, "Erin" bitterly accuses her erstwhile homegirl of happiness. "She always had someone to go out with," Scorsese-homaging "Erin" spat, adding, "Always always."
MTV also took time to note that Pavement is?gasp!?not breaking up. "Who got excited about that?" asked the Wookie, wrinkling her nose. She had let herself in, and leaned far back into the couch with her cigarette, placing the ashtray atop Sanchez's box, in which he still cowered. Polite Sanchez cares for his friend?who labors in the executive-assistant trenches of the music industry, from whence all the worms of rumor are dug?and thus will not bring up, as evidence of her contention that WebRIOT is MTV's most expensive show ever, that the show "has its own budget codes!" Slang-savvy Sanchez would love to utilize the euphemism "getting one's knickers in a twist" for this one, if the physical reality of the saying?and the British usage within it?did not confound and scare him so.
NEXT WEEK: The Orson Welles of his own home, rugged individualist Sanchez sticks to his decision to cast Pikachu as the Angel of the Lord, not as the Baby Jesus?at least until his Sister knocks another molar or two out!