Osama's "Best Of" list.

I sure have been hearing about this "Best of" issue for a long time. I think Koyen and Zaitchik were talking about it back in March. They reminded me of this pair of sculptors I read about somewhere who used to make colossal art for Hitler. They'd get the commission a year ahead of time, and until the thing was done they'd think about nothing else except surviving the unveiling. Apparently they grew to hate each other over the years.

The Best of Manhattan... This is a very tough topic for me. This assignment is a little like being asked to write a pamphlet called 18 Things I Love About Colonoscopy. But I'll give it a shot.

Best reason to move to Bangkok: 75 bucks for a handjob advertised in the back of New York Press.

Second-best reason to move to Bangkok: Those castrating bitches at Barnard who call the police when you idle outside their dorms in an '86 Cutlass Supreme.

Best real-life impersonation of Kevin Bacon's "Remain Calm! All is Well!" character from Animal House: Mayor Michael Bloomberg, August 14, 2003, approximately 6 p.m.

Best place to dump a body: Mezzanine level, sections 229-233, Continental Airlines Arena, during a Nets-Nuggets game.

Runner-up: Cairo Flat Fix Inc., 2276 12th Ave., over the fence.

Best place to hear a really heated argument in Japanese: The Potamkin Chevrolet showroom, 798 11th Ave., turn left inside the front door.

Best place to look at a grim black-and-white picture of a fucking cave: Museum of Modern Art, 11 33rd St., Long Island City, "Ansel Adams at 100."

Best place, on the other hand, to spend eight leisurely hours in twisted contentment after eating all of your father's pain medication: Guggenheim Museum, 1071 5th Ave., "The Cremaster Cycle."

Best unpublished cartoon representation of New York Press editor Jeff Koyen: Madman Christopher X. Brodeur. The reverse-Linus upside-down beard line is a stroke of genius.

Best place to sit down and have a $7.25 slice of shitty cheesecake while you wait for Jonathan Franzen to show up and stand for hours watching for any hint of himself on the Jumbotron: Lindy's, 1525 Broadway.

Best place to stand on the corner with a wrench and wait for something to happen: Prada, 575 Broadway.

Best backdoor reappearance of Duran Duran in the society pages of the New York Times: Correction, Society Desk, August 24: "The Field Notes column last Sunday, about museums that offer spaces for weddings and receptions, misstated the name of a renovated power plant used as a hall at the American Museum of Natural History. It is the Powerhouse, not the Power Station."

Best place to get laser vein treatment from a Yale-educated physician with small teeth: Offices of Dr. Kenneth Owen Rothaus.

Best place to buy a small bag of baby laxative for $50: Washington Sq. Park. I like the arch as a nice place to get ripped off, although the chess players across the park claim that the best place to get ripped off used to be outside the B. Dalton on 6th.

Best 127-word excerpt from sexnewsdaily.com: "It's Passover and Jews around the world are celebrating their liberating from slavery in Egypt about 3500 years ago. It's a pretty good bet that the ex-slaves who followed the pillar of fire into the desert were a lean bunch. After all, slavery doesn't come with benefits and includes almost no time off. And now, if you want to be as thin and hardbodied as the ancient Hebrews, you can be. Just enroll in Slavercise, a New York workout class led by Pharaoh's best pupil, Mistress Victoria. 'If you don't keep up, you get punished,' she threatens the dog-collared, masked, and rubber-suited slaves as she carries a whip and walks around the gym in stiletto heels. 'I don't want to hear any whimpering. You're here to suffer.'"

Best draft pick: Michael Sweetney, Knicks. The home team was thin at undersized power forward.

Best place to violate the Posse Comitatus Act: Personally I'm partial to the Lincoln Tunnel entrance here, but that might just be because I live near there. Certainly there will be a lot of reader support for the spot in front of the Zaro's Bread Basket in Penn Station; it is always good to look a pimply 19-year-old with an M-16 in the eye as you take that first bite of a brioche.

Best New York Times headline: This is an easy one. June 19, "Scientists Deciphering Atomic Forces Report Hottest, Densest Matter Ever Observed." When I saw that, I just couldn't wait to see that hot, dense matter. A close runner-up might have been the Aug. 19 "British Cameraman Shot Dead Near Baghdad." The victim, Mazen Dana, was Palestinian. The Times subsequently changed the online headline to "Reuters Cameraman Shot Dead Near Baghdad." Can't have a Palestinian in the headline!

Best New York Post headline: "Wart Horror: Bloomie aide: Yes, mayor has one 'down there.'" No, just kidding. I think I have to go with "Axis of Weasel." Pure genius. At 116, Steve Dunleavy still has his fastball.

Best Glory Hole: Men's rest room, Burson-Marsteller headquarters, 230 Park Ave. So., outside Jerry Selick's office. Just wait for the tip of the shoe to point your way, then remove the toilet paper dispenser.