OPEN WATER OPENS FRI., AUG. 6 AN ATHLETIC YUPPIE couple pops up ...

'>OPEN WATER OPENS FRI., AUG. 6 AN ATHLETIC YUPPIE couple pops up to the ocean's surface in full scuba gear after one of their power-yuppie dives...and finds that the tour boat is gone. They're in the middle of the ocean, with no way of seeing over the waves, no way of calling out for help. They've lost the boat. Mr. and Mrs. Yuppie panic.

If you're one of those humanophiles I keep hearing about-you know, the type that roots for the humans over the better beasts of this world, in this case, sea creatures far more beautiful than our foul species-then this movie will probably work for you. You'll feel the yuppies' terror as an all-star cast of oceanic villains torments them: a moray eel (is anyone really afraid of moray eels?), a jellyfish and a swarm of sharks. They're like an evil Justice League circling the doomed heroes. "Wonder Twin powers, activate! Shape of?shark food!"

Open Water is supposedly based on a true story, but someone must have whitewashed the details. In the preview, as the sharks and jellyfish close in, the humanoid couple protects each other. Yeah, right. And seahorses might swim out of my butt.

The truth probably went something like this:

Hour One

Wife: "'Let's go on a dive,' you said. 'You'll love it,' you said. My mother was right. I married a moron!"

Hour Two

Husband: "I never liked your cooking! The sound of your voice drives me crazy!"

Hour Three

Wife: "I've been sleeping with Ted, your supervisor, for two years now. I needed to feel loved. I'm sorry."

Hour Four

Husband: "I've been sleeping with Ted also. I only did it to get back at you. Forgive me."

Hour Five

Sharks close in, bumping against them.

Wife: "Honey, if you let me sit on your shoulders for a little while, I'll let you do anal when we get home tonight. It's just? I'm a little tired, that's all..."

Hour Six

Dorsal fins circle closer.

Husband: "Sweetie-pie, come here and give me a hug. Hey, don't back away. I'm not going to knock you on the head and use your body as a protective shield, sweetheart. Hey, come back here!"

Suddenly in the preview the husband is alone. He searches frantically for his wife. He's terrified. "Where's my human shield? She's with Ted again, I know it!"

At least one of the yuppies will survive. They have to-because this movie is little more than an extreme company retreat. Watch Open Water, and at work the next day you'll have the courage to land that paper towel distribution contract for the lower Ohio region that you've been pushing for all year now. All right!