Net Results

I've been in the area for about a year and have been sporadically dating online. Maybe it's just me, but I'm getting nowhere with this! Every guy I've met has either been just totally wrong (in personality and appearance) and/or socially inept. It seems a disproportionate number of the males in the dating pool are incapable of face-to-face interaction without mumbling or gazing mutely at their coffee.

I don't get it. I'm articulate and have a good sense of humor, and I think I've got qualities most guys would want in a girlfriend. I've been in long-term relationships and don't have any aversion to a "friend with benefits" scenario-just not with a monosyllabic loser.

Am I just not giving the guys a fair shake? Also, is there a way to do this without making a first/blind date into such an overhyped, overstressed event? Also, why are matchmaker businesses generally so damn expensive; are they even worth it?

-Logging Off

How many times do I have to tell you people that dating is not for the faint of heart? Male or female, black or white, fat or skinny-it sucks! Believe me, for every dull-witted loser you've had to stare at over coffee, there's a poor schmo who got suckered into buying pricey cocktails for some nattering ninny who yammered on about her various hair-care dilemmas for hours.

So yes, dating blows chunks. Who told you different? Surely not moi. Do I have to once again scroll down my list o' losers? The humor-impaired would-be filmmaker who shaved eight years off his age, making himself nearly a decade younger than me even though we were born the same year? The former ecstasy addict who droned on about how HIV was caused by excessive drug use, therefore he didn't believe in condoms? (Huh?) Or the "screenwriter" who turned up drunk and penniless for our outing? I could go on.

And I did!

Your problem is all in your perspective, my dear. Instead of getting bummed out about your lame-o dates, make them more fun. You've committed to spend an hour with this human; you may as well do something you and your friends can laugh about the following day.

Which leads me to my next point-chrissakes, woman!-whatever possessed you to think coffee is an appropriate first-date activity? A simpering cup of decaf says "I'm careful and dull" while a coupla dozen refreshing midday fruity cocktails followed by a rousing game of putt-putt golf shrieks "I'm a fun-haver!" Who would you rather be?

Now, getting back to the online dilemma. You're new to the area and everyone you work with is coupled up. Either you start cruising bars (which will result in you either dating an alcoholic or becoming one yourself), banging married men (baaad idea!) or you re-saddle-up that online pony. I suggest the latter course of action.

There are two schools of thought when it comes to cyber-dating. One is the carpet-bomb approach, wherein you email any- and everyone who appears remotely suitable and then set up a series of assignations with anybody man enough to reply. The positive with this approach is sheer quantity, and as we all know, hooking up is nothing more than a numbers game. Unfortunately, you'll probably wind up with an aching liver and a big fat exhaustion-induced cold sore.

The second approach-and the one I recommend-is that you screen more carefully. This is a more time-consuming process in the beginning, but will ultimately prove less irritating in the long run. Email back and forth a few times-you should've already seen his picture. (Color me shallow, but a personals website that doesn't provide photos is one that should be avoided at all costs.) If you like his way around the email, work your way up to a phone call. I know not everyone gives good phone, but at least you'll be able to tell if he's got a voice like Gilbert Gottfried or a high-pitched hyena laugh. Then if, and only if, he doesn't bug the crap out of you or bore you to tears, you make a plan.

As for matchmakers, they never much appealed to me as I'm cheap and they're expensive. And um, don't all the guys on there have jobs? Yuck. Plus, I've never had much luck with friends setting me up, so how could I possibly trust some yenta I never met? After a buddy set me up with a sociopathic closet-case who believed regular church attendance (not the heavy anti-psychotic meds he so desperately needed) would cure what ailed him, I swore off the fix-up altogether. I don't care if it's a friend or a professional who's doing the fixing; if I'm going to go out with a jackass, at least it'll be a jackass that I picked out.