MTA Pt. 1: Manhattan Bridge Repairs Create a Subterranean Jungle

The subway posters came right out and said it straight: "It's too much to explain in a poster." They got that right. A couple new shuttles, two different versions of the Q and a W train? The three-year-long repair project on the Manhattan Bridge is turning much of the subway system on its head, and seems to be taking a large percentage of passengers with it. Figuring this, and figuring they'd do what they could to cut down on the number of angry phone calls they'd be receiving, the MTA has undertaken a vigorous, if befuddling, public relations campaign to try to help explain the changes to the public. They even have train operators in on it.

"Excuse me ladies an' gentleman," the voice came over the p.a. as the train began its rumble beneath the river, "please be aware that starting Sunday, mmblegrim ark polgherin hep en or transdgub thuh..." The garbled voice was eventually drowned out completely by the screams of the iron wheels.

The "explanatory" posters?except for the one that said explanations were futile?were so vague they were almost unnerving. They made it look like the D?or maybe the B?was turning into the W at some point underneath the river?sort of like what happens when Bruce Wayne starts sliding down the Bat Pole. Either that, or the B (D?) would simply stop in Manhattan, forcing Brooklyn-bound passengers to get across the river by their own devices (rowboat, breast stroke, jet ski or on the back of some friendly dolphin), in order to pick up the W on the other side.

MTA interns were out in droves last week, scattered throughout the Broadway-Lafayette station, handing out explanatory pamphlets, their young, loud voices announcing to the passing deaf masses that, come the following Sunday (July 22), the B, D and Q trains would no longer be stopping there.

Though I rarely rode any of those trains, I took a pamphlet anyway. Thought I'd take a look-see?how bad could all this really be, right?

Now, I got good grades in school. I'm a reasonably clever fellow. No genius, maybe, but at least clever in a "performing chimp" sort of way. Still, two days after first opening that pamphlet, I'm still trying to make any sense at all of this new subway plan. The one conclusion I have reached is that someone over there?someone way up the ladder at the MTA?has a tremendously demented sense of humor.

Frustrated with the pamphlet, I went to the MTA's website?which had always been a big help in the past?figuring everything would be laid out there, neat-like in a format that was easier to read. Once there, I found nothing. Not a peep about the Manhattan Bridge project. Even checked out the "Service Advisory" pages for the B, D and Q lines, but there wasn't a word. That may have since changed. I don't know and I don't care. I returned to my new pamphlet?which by now was wrinkled, torn a little and sweat-stained.

It wasn't any clearer. One thing the pamphlet did offer was a phone number. "If you have questions," it said, "call the Manhattan Bridge Hotline at (718) 521-3333." Well, I had a few questions, so I picked up the phone and dialed the number.

A cheery, almost demented male voice offered some options in English?then a dour, defeated-sounding Chinese man offered the same options (I'm presuming) in Chinese. I chose English.

The same demented voice buzzed through the new subway changes at a Baby Face Nelson clip, barely stopping to take a breath. When he was finished, I was more confused than ever. My head hurt. I contemplated studying Mandarin Chinese at home, in the hopes that the other set of instructions might be more lucid.

I abandoned all hope and hung up the phone. It was pointless. Guess we can't say they didn't try. No, what I'd do once it all got underway was the same thing I always do?the same thing everyone else will be doing?I'd stride blind and headlong into the nightmare, and try to figure it out then.