Me, Lil' Kim and the Devil

Alpine, N.J. is just a bridge or tunnel away. The trip is worth it. It's home to fewer than 2,000 souls, most of them very rich.

The average house is worth over three million dollars. Many have no visible address, presumably to deter tourists. Locals pick up their mail at the post office.

There's not much to do for the Alpine police, except count their $100,000 salaries.

Last year, only seven burglaries were reported. Zero murders. Zero rapes. Zero robberies. And nobody's precious car was touched.

Alpine's tiny black community numbers fewer than 300, but that includes Chris Rock, P. Diddy, Gary Sheffield, Stevie Wonder and Wesley Snipes.

Recently the Post sent me there to stake out Lil' Kim's house and interview her. What a house! The backyard has a 20-foot slide, three swings and a jungle gym bigger than any in Central Park.

After waiting half a day, I left to check out Alpine's haunted clock tower. It doesn't work anymore, but when it was put up in 1909, the rich guy who paid for it dedicated it to his wife so she could look at the New York skyline without having to get too close. One night, instead of city lights, she saw him kissing their maid. The wife jumped from the tower, which has been cursed since.

I rolled down my car window and asked a fat man, "Is it true that if I drive around the tower three times the devil appears?"

He laughed as only a fat guy can and said, "You try and the devil will be driving an Alpine police car and he will run your ass in for trespassing. Now why don't you get out of here."

"Well, you have a nice day."

"I was until I talked to you."

The next day I was again in my car, posting in front of Kim's house when I saw a police car behind me. Fifteen minutes later the cop hit his sirens and lights. I waited as he came up. He was huge, all muscle.

I showed my NYC police press pass and my Post ID and explained that I was on assignment. "Is Ms. Jones expecting you?"

"She gave me a quote yesterday and I told her I'd be back today."

I asked if he ever pulled over Stevie Wonder.

He gave me the look-Say one more thing, wise ass, and we'll see who wins this one. "The residents here are very good to the police here. Anytime we need anything for our PBA the members are very generous. So move the car to that empty lot. You'll still be able to see her house."

I moved my car.

It was 4 pm and the going-away party wasn't until eight, so we had time to kill. The photographer broke out a lounge chair and a battery-operated TV and we put on the Jets game.

Then a black car pulled into Kim's place. In the back seat was Chris Rock.

"Hey, Chris-We don't hate you. We love you."

The car sped off and the photographer said, "We just gave him a new bit. He's going to say I moved all the way to Alpine, New Jersey and there in an empty lot some black guy is sitting in a lawn chair watching TV while some white guy is laying on the grass yelling at me as I drive by."

Lil' Kim came out a few hours later and after she left Alpine, I did the same. I hope not to return for some time. Maybe longer than Lil' Kim.

-C.J. Sullivan