Jager-Bombed

I am a 24-year-old guy who's been hanging out with a fun, good-looking girl for about a month and a half. Our relationship is great and we keep it rolling with some "don't sweat the small stuff"/no-drama type shit. She's said to me, on at least a few occasions, almost these exact words: "If you're looking for sex, then you should go somewhere else, because I'm not that type of girl."

She's also told me how "she loves sex, with the right person." So the other night, we go out drinking together and get twisted. We end up in a quiet corner of the bar having an alcohol-tinged philosophical talk about the nature of our relationship. We talk about how we manage to give each other space, yet immensely enjoy our time together. We talked about looking forward to the future. Oh yes, our glorious future! Then we talk about how we should take the relationship slow.

She says she doesn't even expect me to be faithful right now. That's when (through Jäger-bomb-induced judgement impairment) I drop the doozy that I've screwed my ex-girlfriend twice since we've started hanging and that I'm still in an on-and-off dysfunctional relationship with her.

She immediately changes her mood, and we're no longer vibing the same. The small shit has hit the fan. Does she really have a right to be upset? Is it okay for me to feel angry about this? We didn't have an argument about it or anything, but now everything's changed. What can I do, if anything, to get the relationship back on track?

-Friendly and Dysfunctional

I know this isn't really the point of your letter, but one thing you mentioned stopped me cold. You were out drinking Jägermeister with her and something stupid happened? How is this in any way shocking? What happened-was the bar out of Nyquil? I realize you're only 24, but Jägermeister is an unacceptable beverage at any age. It's gloppy, syrupy crap designed for youngsters who can't handle the taste of real alcohol, yet want to get really, really fucked up. It's the dude equivalent of the Long Island Iced Tea. In other words, it's a puke waiting to happen.

So the first thing you must do if you're going to continue to try and pass yourself off as an adult is to start drinking big-boy drinks. Beer, bourbon, Slippery Nipples-it doesn't matter. Just no more Jäger, okay?

Now that we've got you weaned off that swill, you have to wean yourself off the ex. The only thing more annoying than a guy shitfaced on Jäger is a drunkypants moron who keeps moaning on about his ex-girlfriend. And even worse than that is the inebriated jackass who's still sleeping with the one who got away and then tells you about it.

That said, this new chick isn't the "type of girl" who has sex? Oh, except when it's "with the right person." As she's not fucking you, I don't think one has to be a paid advice professional to deduce that this means you're the wrong person.

But let's give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she was just waiting to see if you were worth the bother of purchasing new underpants and trimming her coochie hairs for. Let's say she was being sensible: biding her time, getting to know you, carefully making sure you weren't a complete jerk before she let her guard (and her skort) down.

In the midst of her screening process you revealed yourself to be just the kind of dolt she was hoping to avoid. Nothing screams "RUN IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION" like a fella who's still mid-swoon over the last broad. And so now she's fleeing the scene and you have no one to blame but yourself.

You see, when she told you that she doesn't expect you not to sleep with other women, that was not an invitation for you to tell her all the places you've been dipping your wick. You had a situation that most guys would kill for, yet you had to blow it by opening your big fat sticky-sweet mouth! Jägermeister is the devil and you're one of his minions!

So to answer your questions, yes, it's perfectly reasonable for her to be annoyed at you (as well as to change her "vibe," whatever that means), and no, it's not okay for you to be angry about it. You should be pissed off at yourself and your inability to keep your yap shut. You always hear experts droning on about how communication is the most important aspect of a relationship, but what they don't tell you is that the most important part of communication is what you don't say.

A combination of groveling, growing up and giving up the ex is the only chance you have of getting her back. Tell her you were a moron, with no disclaimer (the booze defense is invalid and if offered will make you look like an even bigger knucklehead than you are). Tell her you're moving on to a better breed of beverage and that you've given up the ex-girlfriend regardless of what happens between the two of you (you have to really mean this part). Once you're done consuming your shit sandwich (gracefully!), ask her forgiveness and then ask her to dinner (grown-ups drink wine with din-din, fyi). If she says yes, you've got a shot. If not, well then I guess you've learned a valuable lesson for next time, haven't you, dear?