I’ve noticed that when I try to take new girlfriends ...

I've noticed that when I try to take new girlfriends to really neat places that I've been before, they almost always cop an attitude. Like, "You fucked her there didn't you?" I can't help it that I still like to go to places that I liked, irrespective of whom I may or may not have been with?a beach in South Carolina, midtown Manhattan, Cape Cod, Malibu, Vegas?no matter how fun it could be, there's still the attitude.

I try to say, "But dammit, I'm not with her, am I?"?mostly to no avail. I really want to say, "Get over yourself and let's just have a blast," but that just makes it worse. Any ideas?

?Billy

Yes, Billy, I have several ideas. The first?and most important?of which is you learn to keep your big yap shut. Full disclosure is almost always a bad idea, especially when dealing with women you're hoping to see naked. How do these broads end up knowing you've been to these places with another girl before them? I'm betting it's because you told them.

I know it's tempting to talk about your exes. After all, it confirms that you have, in fact, had sex with other human beings. You think you're telling your current girlfriend that, should she be silly enough to dump you, sex with someone else is just around the corner. You are, after all, quite a stud. She actually hears accounts of a long line of women, leaving her feeling not-very-special. And then, after all this yammering, you reinforce her feelings of interchangeability by taking her to the same tired vacation locale that hosted you and Dymphna, you and Xena, you and young Tamika. Silly, silly, Billy.

It's a great big world we live in, so mix it up a bit. If you aren't imaginative enough to think of somewhere new to explore, perhaps you should ask your girlie where she might want to go. Or you could play pin the tail on the map. Or ask a clever friend for suggestions.

I understand that sometimes you just want to go where you feel comfortable. I almost always pick the Cedar Tavern for first dates. It's close enough to the L train that I can make a quick escape if necessary. Frank O'Hara and Jackson Pollock used to drink there, so if my date turns out to be a dullard, I can pretend that's them sitting in the corner. Most importantly, I went out with one of the bartenders there once, so if this date proves to be yet another exercise in humiliation, I can take comfort in the fact that there's someone in the place who once thought me hot enough to finger in a public restroom. But do I tell the guy I'm with this? No, of course not.

If you do end up repeating a trip, make it as different as possible, and keep the references to what happened last time to a minimum.

Oh, and don't use corny-ass phrases like "neat places." That's up there with "sputum," "titties," "open sore" and "making love" in the dry-a-chick-up-quick department.

Why do I not have a boyfriend? And when/if I do get one, how can I make sure he's perfect in every way? Oh, and I don't want to inconvenience myself looking for one either. Because I'm basically selfish. Please help.

?Charlie

I Don't know why you don't have a boyfriend. I don't know why I don't have a boyfriend. Lucky for us, the June issue of O (for Oprah!) magazine is dedicated to the mystery that is menfolk. In fact, they even call it their "MANual."(Get it?!)

Daytime-tv icon Dr. Phil weighs in first. Folksy Dr. Phil wonders if we have good recognition skills. Do you? I look for nice, smart, funny men with big noses and acne scars, but inevitably wind up with humorless, narcissistic substance abusers, so I have to suspect my recognition skills might be a bit off. In typical tv-shrink fashion, he doesn't really give any tips on how to adjust my tuning. So, onward we go.

Thumbing past a helpful feature on cleaning up my messy car and an informative four-page spread on throw pillows, I come to "life coach" Martha Beck's tips on snagging a paramour. Martha urges us to "know, value, and engage thyself." Erm, okay. I'm befuddled enough when I stumble on to a story explaining how men are really vulnerable and you have to be careful not to yell at them when they do stupid crap. Huh? What's the fun of having a boyfriend if you can't yell at him?

Immediately following that piece, we get some shrink's tips on raising a stellar husband-to-be. I don't know about you, Charlie, but I hardly have time to sit around waiting for some new breed of perfect boy to reach the age of consent. That's another 15 or so years, and granny's horny now. Next!

The duds?I mean dudes?the O crew have assembled for a roundtable on "what men want" are so uniformly dull and unattractive that I can't be bothered to read what they have to say. When I hit the article that advises me to stay away from humorless narcissistic substance abusers, I hurl the rag across the room. Thanks for nothing, Oprah.

Sorry, Charlie.