Irwin Corey Remembers

IF YOU WERE putting together a production of Beatniks Over Broadway, there couldn't be a cooler cast than Larry Storch, Richard Libertini and Professor Irwin Corey. Throw in Bob Dishy and MacIntyre Dixon, and you've got some major cultish star power. Sadly, none of these names were enough to save the Broadway production of Sly Fox. I'm backstage in Professor Corey's dressing room, and everyone's dealing with the unexpected announcement that the show will be closing on August 29-hot on the heels of departed leads Richard Dreyfuss and Eric Stoltz, and several days before the announced dates for critics to review the new cast.

"They're losing too much money," says Corey, with some regret and no real concern. He's already got work lined up through September 2, as the World's Foremost Authority begins a series of performances at the Village Vanguard during the Republican National Convention. Even without the double duty on Broadway, that's an impressive workload for a guy who's been playing the Vanguard since the 40s.

"My first paid performance there," Corey recalls, "was on October 20, 1942. I'd done two occasions performing before that, because it was auditioning, so they got those for free."

Corey's probably still pissed off about that capitalist exploitation. He's a true old commie and a curio of the American left. Corey can even claim to have been a target of the House Un-American Activities Committee. And there's still a good chance that many Republican delegates will be happy to stumble across his act. Corey's brilliant double-talk comedy act was once a staple of family television, with the Professor's crazed ramblings brightening many a variety show during the 60s and 70s.

The former presidential candidate-more than 4000 votes on the 1960 Playboy Ticket-would also be an ideal spokesperson for today's Democratic Party. His backwards lexicon is perfect for an election that's left the media trying to rationalize Kerry's claim of "I actually did vote for the $87 billion before I voted against it." Corey coined the phrase, "If we don't change direction soon, we'll end up where we're going." That's pretty much Kerry's response to the successful rebuilding of Iraq.

"My act has political overtones," Corey concedes, "and once in a while, I make a reference to politics. But it's not a conscious effort to make snide remarks that might seem political."

Offstage, he's a lot more confrontational. For example, Corey is quick to express incredulity that he's actually talking to a conservative. Try to explain yourself with a tired chestnut about individualism, and Corey gets going in classic style.

"Anybody who says, 'I believe in the individual' doesn't know what he's talking about, because individuals are boring and dull. The United States has 48 states, and we have on the currency 'E Pluribus Unum'-from many, one. And what you're saying, as a conservative, you are disregarding many into one. You want to make one into many. That's wrong. That's what the United States did in Europe. We divided Korea, we divided Vietnam, we divided Yugoslavia-and we unite the two Germanys! Unite our enemies and divide our allies? A process carried out by the United States!"

Don't make fun of that 48 states thing, okay? Corey's old. And, unlike Al Gore, he can still properly translate "E Pluribus Unum."

"What I don't know in history," Corey adds, "I make up." He's being self-deprecating, which is more than you can get from most revisionists. I still believe that Corey's timeless comedy routines can bring the right and left together during the Republican National Convention. He might want to avoid those asides, though. Any goofing on Kerry's obsession with Purple Hearts pales next to Corey's big joke about the war wounds of another presidential candidate.

"You know that guy Bob Dole?" Corey asks. "He was just released from the hospital. They found splinters in his penis-because he has a wooden hand!"

Corey's not really much when it comes to punchlines. He's more of a high-concept guy. His copy of the 2003 New York Times Almanac is crammed full of hand-written notes. Half of them seem to celebrate facts, and the other mark what Corey considers to be lies. You might disagree with his results, but the guy sure does his homework.

He's also refreshingly honest in his leftist beliefs. "In England," he says, "if you buy land, and you have a house there, and they find oil under your property, it belongs to the government."

Like most good Americans, I respond how that seems like a real shame-having briefly forgotten whom I'm talking to. Corey responds with a long rant about how we have no real property, since it was all stolen from the Indians. I don't bother asking what makes Corey thinks the Indians were indigenous to the United States. He probably has an answer.

It's also refreshing to hear a leftist salute indoctrination, as when Corey addresses the issue of education: "They say parents should be involved. No fucking way. Involved? Are parents involved when they send their children to camp? Why should they be involved when they've got a classroom full of teachers who studied to be teachers? The school system should be run by the government!"

Not surprisingly, Corey's also fond of fascists. "Iraq had the best medical system," he proclaims. "A 90 percent literacy rate! Bush is insane. It is Saddam Who Sane." Corey then proudly points out a photo of himself hugging Fidel Castro: "Did you know he was Jewish?"

This mainly reminds me that the Professor invented that line about how you can get further with a kind word and a gun than you can with just a kind word. It's not always easy being a fan of Corey. In a sadly typical display from the left, Corey bemoans the "Zionists" who are "killing the Palestinians so they can get land." A few minutes later, amongst a flurry of more fun and questionable facts, Corey throws out this statement: "In the United States, it costs $6000 to be cremated. In Germany, it's free!"

Corey gives me a big smile.

"?if you're Jewish."

I briefly consider getting myself a new fashion guru.

As it turns out, though, that's merely a Brother Theodore-style detour into grim humor. The Borscht Belt veteran is soon bitterly expressing his disgust at John F. Kennedy for declaring himself to be a Berliner. It's probably not reasonable to get upset at anything Corey says. He occasionally forgets the name of our president, and where our troops are currently at war.

Besides, there's always some common ground. We both agree that conservative principles are based on liberal values. I can't argue with Corey's stance against taxes. "Nobody should pay taxes," he explains, "who makes less than $200,000 a year." That seems fair-although Corey's opinion probably has something to do with how the government should own everything.

Corey's no Democrat, either, quoting W.E.B. DuBois to explain his belief that both popular parties are the same. And it turns out that Corey has occasional respect for the individual. "I would eliminate inheritance," he declares. "No fucking inheritances."

Naturally, I ask what's becoming of Corey's estate.

"What? Don't ever bring me into the discussion! You should never use people who are in the discussion as an example. It defeats the whole point of view. I am an individual. I am unique. You are an individual. You are unique. Bring in an individual, and the argument can be ruined because of things you are discussing which you dislike! What I am talking about is, is-the whole thing." o