Internet Ephemera; The Unlikely Return of Pat Benatar; Marble Rocks the Homeland; CDs and Vinyl for All; New Club! New Club!

It sounds trite, but it's so easy. Just go to Amazon's main page, click the "find gifts" button under the red bar; then click "By Recipient"; then click "For Him" or "For Her," depending. What you'll find are neat little categories of human being: "The Master Chef," "The Pet Lover," "The Sports Enthusiast." Since people are essentially all alike and are easily catalogued and manipulated, you're sure to find something that fits your special someone! You'll probably find it for $19.99, too. The best part is that when Amazon ships merchandise, they often throw in those new dissolvable Listerine mouthwash strips. This is the only way I know of to get the mouthwash strips, and believe me, they are cool.

You should hop over to www.diacenter.org/ shimabuku when you get the chance. This is where I found my nifty Moon Rabbit screen saver, which puts on my display a very realistic moon whose shadows slowly morph from rabbit into a howling face. It's a project sponsored by the Dia Center (548 W. 22nd St., betw. 10th & 11th Aves., 989-5566), which is currently exhibiting a bunch of curtains called "Reverb" at its Chelsea facility. Go check that out if you like trekking around by 11th Ave.; it's only $6.

More great art is on www.jgsinc.org/ face.htm, which has shocking photos by Gilles Peress documenting 1994's Rwandan genocide. One of them showed up in Time some years back, depicting a dead man's shriveled face, lips pulled back to show his gums outlined by the roots of his teeth, lying in front of a church. You ought to take a look at the rest of the series before it shows up in a Rage Against the Machine bootleg.

...Enough random stuff from the Internet, important things are going down this week, and they start on Wednesday, when Don Hill's hosts Fire & Ice 2: A Tribute to Pat Benatar. This wouldn't be big news, except last year's Fire & Ice was an absolute smash, Satanicide is involved and Pat Benatar is suddenly hot again, with her feline face all over MTV for their 20th anniversary. A Britney Spears cover can't be far off.

The tribute show is run by an irrepressible woman named Cathy Cervenka; I caught up with her at 1 a.m. last week and the following are just a few of her opinions on Pat Benatar.

"I think she's aged great, like I can't even believe it when I see her. She's got that bone structure and that little face...and she's totally buffed out and she weighs 90 pounds. I mean she's totally the same size as in the 80s except even more muscular... Don't ask me how she does it."

Cathy is a self-proclaimed "professional guest star" who regularly appears at the Don Hill's "Bitch" night of female rock excess (the first Wednesday of each month, or the second, depending on whom you ask). She has a long, elaborate and quite entertaining story about how Pat Benatar changed her life in high school, which space limitations prevent me from repeating in its entirety.

"All the boys in high school would call her the No-Knocker Rocker, because she was flat-chested. And that just made her more of my hero, so now I'm the Other No-Knocker Rocker," Cathy says. She has assembled a fine lineup for Wednesday's show; the highlights are America's best hair metal sendup band, Satanicide, Hornito author Mike Albo and the Dazzle Dancers, a coed troupe that performs 80s songs and occasionally gets naked. Obviously, Fire &Ice 2 leans toward the gay community.

"People across the country are driving here to see [the show], which is overwhelming me right now, because it's just too bizarre, but it's exciting... They all have e-mailed me asking me for help like, 'Where can I park my car?'" Good luck. Fire & Ice 2 starts this Wednesday at 9:30 at Don Hill's (511 Greenwich St. at Spring St., 334-1390). The cover is $10, but expect last-minute price increases. That's the Don Hill's way!

...Your alternative to Benatar is seeing local band Marble play Elbow Room. Marble's one of those groups people listen to for five seconds and mislabel as "goth" because of their keyboards. Nah, see, goth is bad. Marble sounds more like Bjork, if she were not supremely annoying, backed by a rock band.

The key is singer Kerri Ann Kelleher, who has a little Alanis Morissette in her but can also sing fine harmonies and sound extremely creepy at all times. (By the way, where is Alanis? Did she manage to sell her stake in mp3.com?) Drummer Glen Pappas is brutal and guitarist Duke, a musical man about town known by everyone within five blocks of blessed Funkadelic studios (37 W. 26th St., betw. B'Way & 6th Ave., 696-2513), does some fine, textured, eerie guitar work.

This is live music played by impassioned people that deserves your support. Plus Kerri is very cute, even in the b&w photocopies sent to me. At Elbow Room (144 Bleecker St., betw. Thompson St. & La Guardia Pl., 979-8434) this Wednesday; doors open at 7 p.m., $7.

...Back to shopping: if you're a vinyl geek, or if you know one and want to risk getting him something, the ARChive of Contemporary Music is holding its annual Winter Record & CD Sale this weekend. Our city is home to America's largest stash of popular music on CD and vinyl, with 1.7 million recordings occupying two floors in Lower Manhattan, and the ARChive is the nonprofit that maintains that collection.

"We began around 1950 with the invention of the teenager," says spokesman Bob, who likes the word "stuff." "We have a sale twice a year because we have to get rid of stuff. We keep two copies of everything so the stuff at the sale is third copies... We do have a lot of rare stuff like 'Cookiepuss' by the Beastie Boys, the first 12-inch that they put out, plus we'll have a lot of good r&b and soul. It's just the rarest of the rare; we get a lot of stuff from artists; we get a lot of stuff that's never been released."

Like many an obsessive get-together, the Winter Record & CD Sale has a members-only pre-party that gives attendees a chance to buy their wares before anyone else does. That party is on Thursday, from 5-9 p.m., and it's closed to non-initiates of ARChive, but you can pay $35 on the spot to become a member ("Many people do that," says Bob). The fair opens to the public Saturday and runs until Sunday, Dec. 16, from 11 a.m. to 6 p.m. daily.

The CDs are all $10 or less. Most LPs are from $1 to $3. You can get blank tapes for $2 each. There is no fee to enter, and by going, you'll be supporting an institution that is very local to the World Trade Center. The Winter Record & CD Sale is at the ARChive of Contemporary Music (54 White St., betw. B'Way & Church St., 226-6967).

...Finally, a new club bravely opens downtown this Monday. It's called Groovejet NYC and it's helmed by Greg Brier, who had plenty of success with his original Groovejet in South Beach, FL. That Groovejet sponsored the DJ booth on this summer's Area: One tour, which was a big success and is slated to run for four more years. This Groovejet will have no cover, no rope, a lounge lit in amber and a dance area with lights in the floor. Opening night has DJ Jackie Christy. You should know the deal by now?when a club has just opened, it is hungry for customers and the employees treat you nicely at the door and at the bar. Check Groovejet out starting Monday (286 Spring St., betw. Varick & Hudson Sts., 625-9121) and start planning for New Year's.