Instant Message Man

A few years back I noticed an ad for a new CD. On its cover was a soulful-looking singer/songwriter with striking dark eyes named Joe Fox. I went to school with a Joe Fox in sixth and seventh grade and thought this can't possibly be him. Joe Fox wasn't that unusual a name?and the kid I knew was a sports nut?always talking baseball, wearing numbered jerseys and carrying around an ice hockey stick. The Joe Fox I knew would have been more prone to beating up the poet/songwriter on the cover of that CD than he would be singing on it.

I put the idea completely out of my head. I really shouldn't have?he wasn't married then.

Three months ago, the same thing happened. I noticed another ad for another CD. Same guy, same face. This time I decided to investigate. I read the fine print and noticed a website address. I logged on. Even though there were a few pictures posted from recent tours through Europe, they weren't big enough to scrutinize the man's face. Plus, he'd grown a beard?I couldn't be sure.

The website had a comments box. I typed in "Sorry if I'm way off base here?but could you possibly be the same Joe Fox who went to Montvale Junior High School and wanted to grow up to be an ice hockey player?" I hit send.

That night there was a message back?Hi Yes, I'm the same Joe Fox who went to Montvale Jr. High & wanted to be a hockey player! Who is this? By the way...I STILL want to be a hockey player.

I couldn't believe it was him. I flashed back, seeing him across from me at one of those round, white tables, his head cocked slightly at an angle, eyes cast down, his shoulder-length hair sweeping across his face. He never seemed planted in the chair?one leg always pulsing, sliding out from under, ready to go. He made a lot of wisecracks, and when he smiled his face was radiant. Now I remembered?I like-liked Joe Fox!

The idea of falling in love with a boy from my past seemed like a righteous correction. I had just wasted 16 years on a go-nowhere relationship. If this thing with Joe worked out, I would have a net gain of at least 14 years, give or take, of lost time. It would almost be like being born again. Oh, the joy of midlife crisis.

Then the bad news came. I should have expected it, but I wasn't really prepared. I had to ask if he was married.

Joe3258: Yes, I have a "significant other." I got married 2 years ago. I didn't think you were being presumptuous at all in your previous e-mails, by the way. I appreciate being clear about intentions.

Well, I wasn't really clear. I was trying, though. I told him, and I meant it, that I'd really love to be in contact, and maybe even end up being friends.

Our e-mails were averaging about three a day. He wanted to catch up on everything that had happened since junior high, I wanted to find out what it was like to tour and sing. A few days after the first flurry of mails, he popped up in my IM box, adding another shock to the system.

Joe3258: busy?

J-field30: oh god!!

Joe3258: no, it's Joe

J-field30:fuck off!

J-field30: i mean that in the nicest way

Joe3258: of course

Let the games begin. Not only did I like this boy, not only was he living out my fantasy, making a living from his art, but he was funny. Funny dictates no willpower. Funny ignores minor details like significant others. My ex-boyfriend was, after all, a married standup comedian. I wasn't proud. It just was so hard to break it off with someone who made you laugh in the middle of crying.

After a few weeks, I caught on. Joe's wife had been out of town. He sent an e-mail saying that since she would be back he might not be able to write as often. But he kept on writing, asking how things were going. Signing off, "tell me." I've lived in New York for half my life; nobody here asks you anything.

I ordered every one of his CDs. There were six of them. For the first time in more than 30 years I heard his voice. It was really sexy and playful, and he played the guitar like making love?careful articulation of the strings and a breezy, natural rhythm. I loved every CD. I was cracking. Remember, J-field30: HE IS MARRIED!

Joe left for a two-week tour through Canada. I didn't expect to hear from him again. His wife was back. His life was back. Whatever his routine was, it had to mean the end of me. It had been wild ride. Now it really had to be over.

Except the first night he was back, he wrote a long poem-letter with all the impressions he'd collected from his trip. I felt honored. The note read like one of Van Gogh's paintings of sunflowers or wheat fields.

...when you climb the hill to the top & look down at the main stage at night, well, it's spectacular. The city is all lit up behind it in the near distance, and above it all the Northern Lights were happening last night. They should rename this festival the Magical Northern Lights Festival?

xo

He signed off "xo." Now what was I supposed to do? His "xo" sparked about "xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxxo" and then some. Am I not woman? Do I not bleed?

It got worse. Almost every night, he kept popping up for quick IMs. It was late, sometimes 2 or 3 in the morning. The later it was, the harder it was for me to keep a lid on. I was slipping.

J-field30: i was joking about this yesterday?

J-field30: about my coming on too strong?.

J-field30: and i scare men away?

J-field30: they start running?

J-field30: and i'm like?

J-field30: where are you going little boy????

J-field30: i only want to suck your cock!!

J-field30: come back here!!!

Joe3258: ha. very funny?.

J-field30: see. here?i'm very small now.

J-field30: just for you.

J-field30: quiet.

Joe3258: ha

J-field30: shhhh

J-field30: tiny

J-field30: little passion

J-field30: you can't even feel it

J-field30: it's not even a whisper

Joe3258: get big...let's see

J-field30: BIG?

J-field30: WOULD BE

J-field30: RIP OFF YOUR CLOTHES

J-field30: PUT MY MOUTH ON YOU

J-field30: EVERY POSSIBLE WAY

J-field30: WITHOUT ANY

J-field30: HESITATION

J-field30: THAT WOULD BE BIG

Joe3258: mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

What was I supposed to do with that many "m"s? I did the only thing that seemed reasonable?

J-field30: i want you to knock me down!!

J-field30: get on top of me

J-field30: fuck me

Joe3258: !!!

J-field30: i don't mean "fuck" in a bad way

Joe3258: i know

J-field30: i mean it in a forceful way

J-field30: i want you to fuck me?

J-field30: can you?

Joe3258: mmmmmmmmm

J-field30: you are?

Joe3258: mmmmmmmm

J-field30: inside me?

Joe3258: mmmmmmmm

J-field30: we're on the ground?

Joe3258: yes

J-field30: wow

So there you have it. Capital "A" for Adultery, or capital "CA" for Cyber-Adultery? I'm not sure which. Judge me, if you must?but I didn't have a choice. When a man puts that many "m"s together and beams them my way, I feel an obligation. A calling. I know. It doesn't look good. Not for me. Not for him. His wife?his wife. Yes, I know. What about his wife? Do I think just because we are Internet fucking that it's okay? Of course not. It just happened. But I'm not sorry.

Joe said he wouldn't betray his wife. I didn't want him to. He said he wouldn't do anything he didn't feel right about. I said, "Amen, brother?" But really wasn't sure exactly what I was amen-ing. Did he mean if we ever actually met in person and felt on fire for each other that he would be honest and confront her? Or did he mean he would just restrain himself from touching me? Did it mean we could only eat gumbo together? And no, of course I don't want to throw away another decade hoping two parallel lines will eventually intersect. That's how it was with my ex.

But what do you do when you fall really hard in love with someone who seems to return the favor? What do you do when you love their music, you love their essence and you want their cock? What do you do then? Anyone? Really, speak up. I'm asking?because I surely don't know.

It ain't over. Joe is touring Europe for the next month but said when he gets back we'll pick a place and meet.

Joe3258: now don't go rushing into marrying me just yet?let's just get to know each other. I don't like when things get all fast and furious?

J-Field30: right?i don't like fast and furious either. i hate fast, furious and over!!

Joe3258: Good

J-Field30: Good

Joe3258: See you when I get back

J-Field30: yep

Joe3258: yep?xxoo

J-Field30: xxooxxoo