IM A 24-YEAR-OLD straight guy with a wonderful girlfriend Im ...
You're not homophobic; your panties are in a twist because you just found out that the number of people your girlfriend could potentially cheat on you with is double what you thought it was. That's all. Feel better?
I want to do some woman-swapping with my best friend. He and I have talked about it while drunk from time to time. I'm really into his big-boobed hippie chick and he's into my rail-thin, clean-as-a-whistle international finance girlfriend.
We know it's kind of seventies and we're not like that. We're not swingers or players, just two guys willing to stretch our sexual limits and treat our women to new thrills.
Our problem is how to bring it up to our women. I have a feeling his girlfriend would be into it. Mine would probably shoot both my buddy and me with her latest NRA wet-dream handgun. She's kind of high-strung, which is why my buddy is into her. He wants to mollify her several ways to Sunday. I'm into his Earthwoman because she's so damned fertile, she drips estrogen. She believes in free love, but hasn't put her coochie where her mouth is.
The women haven't met, but I already know they wouldn't get along. It would be completely awkward to bring them together except for maybe a couple hours hanging out in a cloud of ganj, or maybe some ecstasy.
My buddy suggests we first swap clothes and mental states. He's a public defender for the worst scum in the county, and I'm a special agent for the FBI. Doing this would be a walk on the wild side for both women and for us.
How would you suggest we get this to happen?
?"Fox Mulder"
The Love American Style wife-swapper scenario isn't an easy one to pull off?even for the most seasoned pervert. You already know your girlfriend ain't gonna go for it. You suspect his girlfriend might, but hippie chicks aren't known for their fondness for The Man, so I think you're probably wrong on that count. If you ask me, there's only one way to get them to bend to your will, and it'll require much careful planning and sacrifice on both your parts.
You and your buddy should get the ladies together for an MDMA-fueled double-date (get one of your DEA pals to slip you the good stuff). Marijuana would not be the appropriate intoxicant for this situation because it can induce paranoia, extreme snacking or napping?three things you wanna avoid.
Maybe you should arrange a dinner at the hippie broad's house?they've always got loads of hemp pillows and other squishy, dubious excuses for furniture that make sitting up straight an impossibility. Earth-mommy types are usually vegans, so you won't get too weighed down by a lot of chow because let's face it, stripped of your meat and cheese food groups, dinner isn't much fun. Light some candles and put on whatever kind of music gets both uptight high-finance babes and estrogen-oozing, patchouli-stanking hippy chicks randy. (Keep in mind that these instructions will be rendered invalid if your selection includes any member of the antisex triumvirate, otherwise known as Dave Matthews, Hootie and Phish). Once the ecstasy kicks in, the ladies will surely be feeling the love, but they'll probably still be too repressed to go the distance. This is where the magic comes in.
Start by rubbing your friend's shoulders. Maybe kiss his neck a little. I can tell from the obviously (ahem) heterosexual tenor of your letter that this is uncharted territory for you fellas, but indulge me. The two of you should start undressing while writhing up against each other. Then go into a full-on makeout?tongues and all. You're starting to like this, aren't you? As erectile dysfunction can be an unfortunate side effect of MDMA, this is where your law-enforcement background will come in handy. I assume you're always packing, right? You wanted to stretch the sexual limits of your girlie; what would make it more elastic than watching her big manly cop boyfriend gun-fuck his best friend? (Remove bullets first, and remember?lots of lube, please!)
Once they see you two having all this hot fun there's no way they're going to stay on the sidelines. Those girls are gonna be naked and clamoring to get in on the action?pronto! But, by then, who knows if you'll even want them around? See, this whole swapping clothes, swapping mental states and swapping wives thing makes me think that what the two of you probably really want to swap is some bodily fluids.
Are you the questioning type? Write [dategirl@earthlink.net](mailto:dategirl@earthlink.net) or Dategirl, c/o New York Press, 333 7th Ave., 14th fl., NY, NY 10001.