IF I WANTED to see a white outsider save a ...

And myself, of course, wedged in a prime position between Fox 5 News and the Long Island Press. Actually, the guy from the Long Island Press seems more like a deranged old coot. He eventually wanders off before the first celebrity arrives. That's helpful, since some Irish television outfit then has to cram in next to me.

"This is a big story," intones another guy from a camera crew, "if Tom Cruise can play a samurai warrior." He doesn't seem to be joking. You'd expect it to be more of a big insult to any Japanese citizen. Still, the first person on the red carpet is a Japanese consulate official who really loves the film. Oh, well. Maybe they figure it's payback for Jackie Chan saving the Wild West in Shanghai Noon.

I'm simply here to get a quick quote from director Edward Zwick before heading back to civilization. At least, that's my plan before I get distracted by the intrigue over what everybody's going to ask Tom Cruise. The other cast and crewmembers, of course, can simply stroll the red carpet and quote from the film's production notes. But the reporters will only get one shot at Cruise, and everybody's looking for something exclusive.

There's a nice young man from Variety behind me, and he's been giving this opportunity a lot of thought. I'm not too impressed by his question, though. I offer my own suggestion, but he decides to stay with what he's got. So when Cruise comes up, I graciously stand back and let the Variety guy make his pitch.

"How," he asks, "does the ethos of the samurai compare to the Quan in Jerry Maguire?"

"That's a good question, man," laughs Cruise, proving me wrong yet again. Then he stands there for a while as he actually gives it some thought. "I think you're going to answer that better than me," he finally decides, before moving on down the carpet.

The Variety writer sighs in frustration. I guess his editors can't use a quote like that. He stumped Tom Cruise, though, which is pretty cool. You know Cruise would've been prepared if the writer had invoked L. Ron Hubbard instead of Cameron Crowe.

Besides, the ditz from Channel 9 was asking Tom about the weather.

Then everybody packs up and ignores Tony Goldwyn, who's a really good guy. Goldwyn doesn't mind, though. He's not wearing a coat, so he's anxious to get inside. And I'm happy to head down to the Club Bar & Grill at Madison Square Garden, where the Wildlife Trust is holding some kind of private function after the night's Simon & Garfunkel concert.

I don't know how much access I'm supposed to have, but I'm fairly sure that I'm crashing the party when I sneak in through a back door. The club is empty, since Simon & Garfunkel are in the midst of their encore. This allows me to eat in privacy before the privileged attendees start to arrive. I don't spot any celebrities, but I have a pretty nice talk with a guy who says he's an attorney for Simon and/or Garfunkel. It's a relief to get the first NYC show out of the way, he confides, since things can get tense between the two at any moment.

I eventually sneak back out and find the elevator to the suites on the 10th floor. This takes me to an unlocked private box that seems to be kept by a company called Bowne. As it turns out, there are few things more pleasant than sitting alone in a suite in Madison Square Garden, drinking wine and watching the staff clean up after Simon & Garfunkel. There's no reason to worry about missing anything downstairs. After all, it's not exactly news that S&G have problems. I probably couldn't stand anybody I'd known for 40 years, either. You want some real news? Tom Cruise isn't really all that short. Everybody's just jealous.

[jrt@nypress.com](mailto:jrt@nypress.com)