I Went to Atlantic City for the Video Stuff, Not the Porn?ro;”Really

The fastest way to Atlantic City is hitching a ride with a compulsive gambler. They always know the best routes to the nearest casinos. The conversation is pretty interesting, too. And my guy even spares the time to drop me off in front of the Atlantic City Convention Center for the East Coast Video Show. This is an obvious sacrifice, since he clearly wants to drive his car straight through a brick wall and into the casino of Bally's.

Nobody's making judgments, though. I'm in Atlantic City to celebrate a compulsiveness of my own?and I'm not so pathetic that I'm referring to being in the presence of porn stars. It's always horrific to see the guys at these things, who literally plan their vacation schedules around attending these events. They're the Trekkies of poontang.

Only half of the Convention Center is dedicated to the adult industry. The half of the hall that isn't full of pornsters is taken over by mainstream companies specializing in traditional adolescent video fare. And, in proper adolescent fashion, I'm out to grab as much free stuff as possible. This is my big annual chance to grab promo copies of all those fabulous movies starring Michael Moriarty and Casper Van Dien and Judd Nelson. Man, there's no better feeling than hauling home a suitcase full of those new classics?although I should also brag that I'll end up scoring a DVD of the great 1975 horror film Black Christmas.

The second objective is to grab all kinds of the cool promotional stuff that decorates the home of most nerdy video store clerks. Last year's big score was The Sopranos playing cards, courtesy of the always-giving folks at the HBO/Warner booth. They came through on a lesser level this year with Next Friday playing cards. There are also some very nice makeup mirrors sporting the logo for Sarah Rose?this being the fictional cosmetics company featured in the underrated Drop Dead Gorgeous.

This is the best kind of promo item, since it looks really classy and doesn't scream out the film that's being promoted. In contrast, there are fuzzy green Shrek ears that are pretty useless for an adult. Though I'm upset to find out that I miss the sole opportunity to grab a bunch of really cool Josie and the Pussycats earpieces from the Universal booth.

You can tell that the East Coast Video Show has lost a few exhibitors this year, and the events surrounding 9/11 probably had a lot to do with that. There's also a noticeable number of promos being handed out from last year's productions: a lot of this year's planned items are probably still being examined by anthrax-sniffing dogs. Still, I'm not complaining. Bringing out last year's promos gives me another chance to get some "KISS This" boxer shorts from Detroit Rock City.

Bear in mind that I'm not planning to run out and throw all this stuff up on eBay. I'm not like my memorabilia-dealing friend who bases half of his yearly income on what he's able to pocket at this event. I'm far more likely to just recycle this junk as Christmas presents. They'll be appreciated, too. Besides, this gives me something to do besides heading over to the porn side of the hall.

In keeping with the porn industry's absolute cheapness, there are never any products being offered for free in the adult zone?with the exception of assorted lubricant samples, which are offered in the kind of large bowls that usually contain condoms at a swing party. Forget scoring any free porn films. It's enough of a sacrifice that the studios fly in their porn actresses to pose for Polaroids and get groped by all kinds of lowlifes.

It is always a thrill to see porn stars up close. Take one look at some ladies' horrifically blotched skin and you're reminded that the adult industry has makeup professionals who are the equals of anybody over at George Lucas' Industrial Light & Magic. It's also fun to see which stars have defeated their drug addictions and moved on to expressing low self-esteem through shockingly sudden weight gain. The exception remains Diana DeVoe, who's as intelligent and charming as she is naturally beautiful. And it's always a pleasure to see Ron Jeremy work a room. That guy's turned shocking weight gain and blotchy skin into a trademark of quality.

There's no kind of post-9/11 vibe happening in the porn area. It's the same pathetic gathering as always, with sodden fans competing for attention with the aspiring gals who always show up to make their first big industry connections. The only promising sign of sanity comes at the party for the Free Speech Coalition.This money-grubbing lobbying group has never accomplished anything, and it seems the industry has finally gained some perspective on the issue. The night's fundraiser is a disaster, as regular guys who paid money to attend find that no porn starlets bother to appear. I tell the director of the FSC that since the Free Speech Coalition is so opposed to an oppressive society, he must be really supportive of the war that's just begun on the Taliban.

"Well, I'm all for revenge," he replies. In a bipartisan gesture, in addition to cute stuffed elephants representing the GOP, the FSC is selling little stuffed Democratic mascots that proclaim "Censorship is for Asses!"

That's about as deep as politics get at this event. My favorite quote from the industry's biggest (in every sense of the word) First Amendment expert is notable in its meaningless. "Crabcakes," muses Adult Video News reporter Mark Kernes. "That sounds interesting."

But that's how we like things here in Atlantic City. The event is simply about stupid tchotchkes and poor saps in bad hairpieces trying to explain why your store needs the latest Patrick Swayze movie and a Pez vending machine. For three days, happiness is a Fast and the Furious air freshener.

Still, three days can be a little too much. My personal tipping point is when a gorgeous porn star strolls by. She's dolled up in fetish footwear to accentuate her fishnet-clad legs, which rise to reveal a very scant pair of leather hotpants. Her top was probably part of a bikini before it was put through the shredding machine.

"Wow," I say, "those really look great." Then I realize that I'm talking about the Josie and the Pussycat ears that she's sporting. My priorities have clearly become distorted, and it's time to get out of town.