I seem to be all different kinds of confused these ...
So here is the confusion: I know that I love females and would like to break out of my shell and sustain a functional relationship, but for some reason I have been having wild gay fantasies. The fantasies include dressing up like a woman and prancing around a gay bar like a little slut and giving sloppy blowjobs to the first man to throw his cock in my face. These fantasies are anonymous, with no one in particular in mind. When I fantasize about a woman, however, it is very specific.
Am I gay and just reluctant to accept it? Or am I just curious? What if I never give in to these temptations and they never cease? What if I did give in, and I was disgusted with myself? Should I refrain and expect these thoughts to pass?
What should I do? What would you do?
?A Confused Man/Boy
I love me the WWJD (What Would Judy Do) questions! Young man, you've got a few different problems that need addressing, but we'll start with last things first.
If I thought for one second that I might possibly be a homosexual gentleman, my ass would be planted at Wonder Bar faster than you could scream "Friend of Dorothy." I'd be sipping a refreshing cocktail whilst making moon eyes at foxy Paul the Bartender, plotting ways to lure him away from his equally alluring boyfriend. Or maybe I'd settle for begging them to make me the filling in their Sandwich of Sin! I'd be making out with every scrawny gay rocker boy within a 15-mile radius. I'd be getting Rufus Wainwright's face tattooed across my left ass cheek.
But that's just me.
From where I'm sitting, it seems like gay men have way more fun than the rest of us. My friend Charlie called yesterday to complain about his "dull" weekend. Now, my for-real dull weekend consisted of sulking and watching network television on Friday night, being blown off by two (count 'em: two!) dates on Saturday, and then attending a baby's-first-birthday party on Sunday afternoon. (Okay, the party was at a bar and turned out to be pretty fun, but by no means would it qualify as exciting.)
Charlie's "dull" weekend, on the other hand, included bellying up to a urinal at the Eagle only to have some Anxious Andy crawl over to kneel at his feet and catch all his recycled beer in his mouth. I feel like my friend would be within his rights to dub the experience "unnerving," "funny" or maybe "odd"?but by no means "dull."
Did I mention that Charlie gets more ass than any other human I know?
But back to you: I don't know if you're gay anymore than you do. I will break it to you that most gay boys don't run around in full drag doling out blowjobs willy-nilly to any and all takers; so if that's your main motivator you might want to rethink things. (You should also know that the pee-chugger was an aberration as well?the timing was just too perfect not to mention it.)
Same-sex fantasies are as ubiquitous as cargo pants, so there's no need to get your hairnet in a twist over the occasional boy-on-boy daydream. It's just that most people (straight boys especially) won't cop to them. If kissing a guy is something you want to try, by all means, go for it. If you do decide to give it a go, there's absolutely no reason in the world for you to be disgusted by yourself for doing so. Jeez.
D.H. Lawrence wrote, "I should like to know why nearly every man that approaches greatness tends towards homosexuality, whether he admits it or not." If it makes you feel any better, I made out with a girl once, and the Kinsey studies showed that most people fall into the category of varying degrees of bisexual?it's a minority that are strictly, 100 percent hetero or homosexual.
Your big problem isn't whether you like boys or girls, it's that you don't like yourself. Like that sage/Gap spokesmodel Madonna once sang, "Until I learned to love myself I was never ever lovin' anybody else." I hate to get all "Dear Abby" on your ass, but you might want to talk to a professional about the depression it seems fairly obvious you suffer from. Once you're happy, you can worry about being gay.
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