I recently became engaged to the woman I have been ...
I knew Jessica from college, and we lost touch years ago. Shortly before I moved away, I ran into her at an Ave. A bar. She had just moved to town. I don't think she wants to hear from me, but I feel that it would be dishonest to myself and her if I didn't tell her that I still love her before I get married.
Should I contact her and tell her, or should I leave well enough alone? I'm sure that she is in a relationship, but am I being fair to either of us if I keep quiet? I'm extremely torn.
-Torn Between Two Lovers
DUDE, you're not torn between two lovers-you're torn between a fiance and a fantasy. There are two kinds of people in this world: the Piner (sometimes also cross-referenced under "Whiner") and the Been-There. The Been-There mourns the end of each relationship (albeit sometimes excessively and to the detriment of both their liver and sanity) and then moves on. The Piner doesn't really deal with their loss because they're too busy shifting into their next relationship, which, curiously, usually overlaps the last. Once comfortably ensconced in this new love thing, the Piner then proceeds to torture their current paramour with tales of how sexy/smart/limber The One That Got Away was.
You sound suspiciously like a Piner to me. As a Been-There kinda dame who has hooked up with more than her fair share of Piners, I really don't have much patience for your kind.
Ironically, many of the Piners I've known have been the ones that did the dumping, because Piners don't appreciate what they have until it's gone. And when you fuck up your current relationship over this fantasy fling with a woman whom you know doesn't want you to call, your current fiance will become The One Who Got Away that you torment your next girlfriend with. Stop the madness!
You could call this broad up and confess your feelings, but I'm betting you'll make an ass of yourself. (Read High Fidelity, please.) I have a good friend who gets calls from exes all the time-generally ten years after they've treated her horribly and dumped her fine ass. A decade of dating ditzes has left them appreciating what they once had. You may find this shocking, but women do not find this at all flattering. In fact, it's tiresome and irritating.
And really, do you really still love Jessica, or just the idea of her? Why didn't it work out? Because you were both kids? Because she was a chronic bed wetter? Because you fucked her best friend? Think about it. Piners always idealize their past partners, Been-Theres tend to be a little more realistic, recalling their exes' bad points, sometimes to the exclusion of the good. I once got back together for a one-night stand with a college boyfriend-years after the fact-and was astonished at how completely average-sized his penis was. My vindictive Been-There brain recalled him being hung like a shrimp. That was a pleasant surprise, but the reasons we split remained the same, and he'd managed to throw some new incentives not to go there into the mix (heroin, alcohol and gambling-yum!).
Remember that someone in theory is a whole helluva lot easier to deal with than someone in the flesh. Jessica doesn't bitch at you because she doesn't live with you. She'll always have the perky tits she had in college, because that's how they look in your mind. The reality involves more droop and possibly even stretch marks.
And what of this poor girlfriend whom you profess to love? Doesn't seem like you're doing her any favors. You say you love her, but do you? You're hedging your bets, stringing her along, while you dick around fantasizing about some other piece of ass. I've been dumped approximately 214 times, and while each time was excruciating, it always ended up aces for me (sadly, not always so for the dumpers-of-me). Why should she have to settle for someone who wishes they were with someone else? That's not fair. And you're not even man enough to end it before you have another "sure thing" lined up.
If you have serious doubts about getting married, you shouldn't do it. Maybe you're looking for an outside reason when the real reason is inside? Did you ever stop and think that maybe you're pining for the One That Got Away because you're scared shitless of the One Who Didn't?