I have a question I have a question. I ...

I have a question. I date many different women, and I am always upfront with them that I am not looking for marriage ever and I don't want a serious relationship, just fun. I take them out, give them whatever they want in bed for however long they want it and treat them with respect. The problem I have is, after about five dates, a lot of them tell me that they love me, and so I don't see them again after that. What can I do to prevent women from loving me? Thanks for your time.

?Footloose

Whoa boy, do I know exactly how you feel! Men are constantly falling in love with me. Sure, being eminently loveable is a blessing, but what people don't always understand is that it's also a curse. If Catholic school taught me anything, it's that each of us has our own cross to bear?ours happens to be extreme irresistibility. Why, just last week I had to break several hearts, and no doubt this week will provide me with several more to shatter. I don't want to cause these sad lads pain, but one man is not enough for this girl, and therefore dump I must.

Being a sympathetic soul (as well as a kindred spirit!), I want to help you. So I dug through my archives and mined several friends' life experiences to come up with a comprehensive list of instructions on how to keep a woman from falling in love with you. In fact, if you follow these tips faithfully, she may even wind up hating your guts.

Forget this whole being upfront bullshit. Dames hear you claim you don't want a relationship, and instead of taking it as a warning, they look at it as a challenge. Especially when your actions contradict your words.

Instead of being the aloof boy-whore, try being the super-clingy, hyper-needy pantywaist. Nothing puts a gal off like a guy who calls 12 or 30 times a day, just to ask what she's thinking. If this doesn't make her loathe you, you might consider stalking.

Extreme possessiveness is also a good tactic. I don't mean just acting a little peeved if she brings up an ex-boyfriend?accuse her of being in love with everyone from the "Can you hear me now?" dude on the tv to her baby brother. Go through her magazines and cut out all the photos of men, or scribble over their faces with magic marker. If you really want to piss her off, do the same thing with her photo albums. A friend's (now-) ex-husband took it one step further, hacking her email account and sending all of her male friends psychotic little notes (ostensibly from her), informing them that she hated their guts and never wanted to hear from them again.

Fly into rages often and for no good reason. The traffic light takes too long to turn green? Punch your windshield. Some fool wears white after Labor Day? Shriek and demand they pay a fine for offending your sense of style. The waiter pours your red wine into a white-wine glass? Hurl it across the room, all the while howling that if he thinks he's getting a tip, he's got another thing coming. The more high-volume and public your tantrum, the better.

My friend Ivan, who was supremely irritated by your (come on, let's face it) rather idiotic query, suggested you "take a knife and cut your fucking face off." Though his solution is a tad drastic, I have to agree that most women would consider a gigantic scab where your face used to be quite the turn-off. Along these same lines, you could gain a massive amount of weight, cease changing your underpants, stop clipping your nails/nose-/ear-hairs and/or declare a moratorium on bathing.

Incontinence. Loose bowels and urine-soaked mattresses tend to put the kibosh on declarations of love. To ensure 100 percent effectiveness, make sure you let 'er rip at her place?not yours.

Hit on her friends right in front of her. Not only will this piss off your girlie (and thus render her less likely to love you), you might even get laid outta the deal. You'll be surprised how many women are willing to scumbag their friends for a hot piece of ass.

Keep one hand on the rod and tackle at all times. Constantly adjust your package. Tug it, cup it, scratch it, stroke it; don't ever allow your hand to wander too far from your crotch. Especially when you're in public together. Better still if you're meeting the parents.

Start speaking exclusively in baby talk. Come up with an unflattering nickname for her like "Dumpling" or "Punkinhead," and refuse to address her as anything but. If you can't master baby talk, go with Austin Powersese. Few things are less hot than some schmo hollering, "Do I make you horny?" in a fake British accent.

But above all, quit dating retards. No broad with a brain in her head is going to declare her love after five dates. Sure, stupid chicks are often cute and agreeable, but smart girls will find your arrogance annoying and cut you loose immediately. Problem solved.