I am finding that dating guys I’m not attracted to ...

I am finding that dating guys I'm not attracted to is unsatisfying and emotionally unrewarding. In my Friendster profile?under "describe who I'd like to meet"?should I list Adrien Brody? I don't mean someone like Adrien Brody or someone who looks like Adrien Brody, but the man himself. Do you think it could work?

?Would-be Starfucker

While undeniably handsome, Adrien Brody wore a spray-on tan to the Oscars. If that weren't enough to disqualify him from your "to do" list, he is also given to lapsing into the always-excruciating white-boy ebonics dialect when in the presence of black people. Plus, he's an actor. Word.

Actors make their living pretending they're someone they're not; they're professional fakers. I once interviewed indie-movie darling Sam Rockwell for a San Francisco magazine. He was so handsome and charming that I pretty much salivated my way through the interview. When he asked for my phone number, I almost slid off my chair. After we were done having what I thought was a very intense, intelligent discussion, he walked me to the subway. I was glowing?positive it was the best, most insightful interview I'd ever done in my entire life. I imagined what our first date would be like. You know, the one that would happen after he called me. I saw us having dinner at a dimly lit Italian restaurant and then taking a long walk, ending up in front of the fountain in Washington Square Park. It was there that he'd tell me how refreshing it was to date someone who wasn't in "the business," and how I'd really "gotten" him like no other woman had. We'd stroll back to his charming Greenwich Village garret, sip wine, have tender?yet hot?sex, and then he'd fall madly in love with me even though I was way chubbier than Parker Posey and not even a teensy bit famous.

The next day as I sat there transcribing the tape, I realized I'd been duped: by myself. Sam had said absolutely nothing interesting at all, but the other person on the tape was far more annoying. Who was this giddy retard giggling?giggling?idiotically at everything that came out of his mouth. Why, that'd be me. And wait?Judy, didn't you already ask him if he had any nude scenes in his next movie? Erm, yes you did. Twice. But I digress. This is about you and The Pianist.

I can't be positive, but I think it unlikely that Adrien Brody is trawling the Friendster for dates. Academy Award winners are generally ass-deep in supermodel poontang for the rest of their natural lives. You're probably better off setting your sights on a scrawny, big-nosed mortal. Maybe you can go out with one of the guys I used to date. Much to my delight, Friendster is clogged with gentlemen who've once (dis)graced my bed. I'm pretty sure the non committal pot delivery guy is still single. Sure, he's not going to be able to get you a good table at [insert name of latest Hilton sisters' hangout here], but he's skinny, super cute, and will most likely be happy to throw a decent fuck your way.

As a flamboyant man out and about, I have a query regarding a recent article of yours. I'm not a size queen, so please enlighten me regarding a man's equipment described as "medium range" and "freakishly small." Please give me the exact 411! Thanks, girl!

Honey, you're not that out and about if you don't know the difference between medium and small. And one does not have to be a size queen to enjoy the occasional Big Gulp. You need to get out and about more often.

I don't know if this is so much a "problem," but I am looking for some advice. I am happily in a three-year relationship. After three years, just the light touch or smell of him when he passes by me still turns me on, and our sex is still very hot! But see, I have been having these dreams for months that I am having sex with other people?men and women?and I am enjoying it in my dream.

I am at the point where I can almost control these dreams; so, to help me fall to sleep, or when I am at the point of falling asleep, I think about random sex with people I don't know. But then, the other day while we were having sex, I actually began to feel really guilty?almost like I was cheating on him. Why do I feel guilty? Should I?

You should only feel guilty if it makes sex with your boyfriend hotter and nastier. Otherwise, it's a waste of your time. Do you think your boy toy never thinks about other women (and/or men)? Of course he does. That's to be expected and almost encouraged. Monogamy gets a little dull after a few years, so why not have your super and a squadron of ballerinas ravish you while you snooze? If you can't cheat while you sleep, when can you?