HOW CAN YOU tell when youre at an event thats ...
You also can't tell any jokes like that, because somebody like New York Press Dategirl Judy McGuire will helpfully point out that the publicist for the newly-deceased heroin-head is standing right nearby. "She's really upset," says Judy. This, of course, explains why the publicist is at a party being held at the Diesel store at Union Square less than 24 hours after the mopey songwriter offed himself.
But the publicist must be in mourning, since her bob is dyed black. Which reminds me:
Q: How many DreamWorks employees does it take to stage an intervention for Elliott Smith?
A: "Hey, don't mess with our catalogue sales, man."
I keep that funny joke to myself, though, along with the one about how there's finally a needle exchange program that works. CMJ events are no places for frivolity?as opposed to the press luncheon for Showtime's The "L" Word at The Blue Fin. See, if you have a party for a show about lesbians at a sushi bar, you've already given the hacks their choice of clever opening lines.
For me, however, the fun is in seeing that the Showtime network's dramatic declaration of "No Limits" means that there's no limits to how far the network will go to pander to guys like me. Showtime CEO and chairman Matt Blank still takes to the podium to pretend that the network has "covered topics and subject matters that others wouldn't." Yes, we all know that hot lesbians are a taboo topic on television. The major networks only show them during Sweeps.
I'm sitting at the "M" table, which is actually the "L" table, if you know what I mean. This allows me to notice that the very nice gal from Dyke TV?who's certainly very attractive in a Hal Sparks kind of way?looks nothing like Jennifer Beals, Mia Kirshner, Pam Grier or the other cast members on display. The lesbian journalists still seem okay with the notion that non-femmes might be allowed on the show sometime during its third season.
I'm not here to fight any culture wars, though. I'm mainly interested in meeting the lovely Laurel Holloman, who plays Jennifer Beals' partner. I've just finished writing a biography of her for MrSkin.com, a website dedicated to the obsessive detailing of nude actresses. Holloman's a true chameleon?which is a real trick when you're talking about nude scenes?and she's also permanently on my Cool List once she finds out the topic of my interest:
"You can tell them there's going to be a lot more skin?with Jennifer! In the course of our relationship, there'll be really tender, sweet sex and some miscommunication where one person wants sex and the other doesn't. And there's going to be really painful, dark, dysfunctional sex. We explore really edgy scenes where we're sparring and it turns sexual. It's a seven-year partnership, so it's not always going to be perfect sex."
Actually, that sounds like the first controversial thing about an unaired series that Showtime assures us is "controversial" in its press release. Holloman also provides some great inside info on her amazing bra-clad scene in Boogie Nights. That gal from Dyke TV told me it would be a big mistake to even bring up the topic to Holloman, but what do lesbians know about women?
Holloman even laughs at my joke about David Gest and Liza Minnelli's divorce being a blow against same-sex marriages. I don't tell her any Elliott Smith jokes, though. I'm saving those for the party later at DreamWorks' new offices.
And don't be like that lady from Dyke TV accusing me of "provocative journalism," either. The DreamWorks party is for the new Q-Tip album. He made one great record that had its release abruptly canceled, so now I don't miss any chance to hear his new stuff. Besides, the only thing that comes of the DreamWorks party is several incidents leading to another Elliott Smith joke:
Q: What did the black guy say when asked if he wanted to hear an Elliott Smith joke?
A: "Who's Elliott Smith?"
[jrt@nypress.com](mailto:jrt@nypress.com)