Help-Wanted Scams

There are postal jobs in your area! Well, actually, there aren't. Instead there are companies trying to sell postal exam prep services, and despite the FTC's $28 million October 2000 judgment against the most fraudulent of the postal worker placement companies, there are still plenty of them. The ad in the current issue of The Employment Guide tells of excellent benefits and a starting wage of $15.92/hour.

My favorite help-wanted ad of all time was placed by Planet Hollywood in the early 1990s. The ad said they were looking for detail-oriented self-motivators with excellent people skills. When I called I discovered that the restaurant needed a bathroom attendant. Was your latest project a success, Mr. Stallone? I did not pursue a career in bathroom attending, but if I had, at least it would not have required any substantial investment on my part. Other careers, like modeling, can be very expensive indeed.

Models Wanted! Earn up to $1500 a day. All ages. No Exp Nec. Who wouldn't want to be a model? You earn lots of money just for being your own charming self. It's no wonder that the ads find an audience. They may even be legitimate, but my own experience left me doubtful.

I rode up in the elevator with a squat young man with bleached-blond hair. He was enthusiastic and he showed me his headshots. He was surprised that I did not have headshots of my own. "They'll like you," he said. "You're tall. I'm short. I've got the look but I don't have the height."

The young blond man was called in for his interview before me. When he came out he gave me a thumbs-up and whispered in my ear: "They like me. I got a second interview." He just needed to have a few more headshots taken to round out his book.

It turned out that they liked me, too. As soon as I sat down in the talent agent's office I was told that I was exactly what she was looking for. It did not seem to matter that I was 20 pounds overweight and balding on top. I would probably start working within the month. I would make lots of money. Of course, I would need some headshots first. She wrote down the name of a topnotch photo studio. It was the only photo studio she worked with, and if I said that I'd been sent over by the agency I would get a 20-percent discount. How much would the headshots cost? They'd cost roughly $700, but she assured me the investment was worth it.

Not wishing to part with $700 but still interested in the showbiz side, my next call was to a company offering great jobs in entertainment. Must like loud music & having fun. As it happens I hate loud music but I like to have fun. It was worth a look.

There was music pumping in the waiting room and a great many people had shown up. The applicants were interviewed in groups of 10. The manager shot questions at us rapid-fire to see what we were made of. After two rounds of cuts there were only four applicants left and I was one of the lucky few. I finally got around to asking what the job entailed.

Have you ever been accosted by someone who asks: Do you like to laugh? That's what the job entailed. It was a matter of buying blocks of comedy club tickets at a discount and then trying to resell them on the street. I asked the manager whether I would have to put my own money at risk to buy the discounted tickets, but I never got a straight answer. Do you like to laugh? I know someone who always answers by saying: No, I'm a New Yorker.

With the local job prospects looking dim, I've given up on my current search and have pinned my hopes on finding employment in the cruise-line industry. Ten years ago I sent $125 to a company that promised to find me work aboard a Carnival ship. I'm still waiting to hear back.