Gift Guide 2004: Gaming
YOU WERE RIGHT, George," my stepfather Nick says to me over the phone as I kick some ass in the new Grand Theft Auto game, Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, from Rockstar Games for PlayStation2.
"Who would have thought?" Nick asked. "I mean, all you do is shoot things and stuff-who cares?"
I then have to remind my step-dad for the billionth time that that was 20 years ago. Today's games have plots that are deeper and more clever than the best and brightest fiction, and besides being able to shoot things, you can virtually do anything.
"Right, George," Nick says to me, "like you can have sex in video games."
I remind him of Grand Theft Auto: Vice City, and how you could get blowjobs from hookers, then kill them to get your money back.
"Well, that's just one game?"
Then I really lay into him. By the end of the conversation, I have him convinced that virtual reality is already here. We just don't call it that yet.
Yet.
ROCKSTAR'S NEW GAME in the Grand Theft Auto series, San Andreas, proves this point more than any other game I know of. While the graphics aren't as great as Burnout 3: Takedown from EA (which, to me, is the best fucking thing I've ever seen come out for a home system), San Andreas must be the hugest game ever made. The environments are so huge that I hear it takes a little under an hour, going full speed in a fast car, to drive from one end of the game to another. So let's say you are going 100 mph-that means there are 100 miles of virtual gaming space.
Think about what that means. Trees, buildings, streets, people, the sky, the earth and chicks. Lots of hot chicks.
In this game, you can basically visit any of it, and most of the landscape is interactive, which means you can blow shit up. Or, as in previous games, get blown. Away.
Taking more of EA's Sims approach, GTA: San Andreas really lets you build up your character. The more working out your guy does, the bigger he becomes, and the more respect he gets. Along with pussy. The lazier he is, not only does he get less sex, he moves slower and becomes an easier target.
Then there're the tattoos, hairstyles, upgradeable clothes, etc. You can become virtually anyone you want in this massive game. But to win, you really gotta be one bad-ass motherfucker. And boy, is that fun.
Clearly, this game is not for kids. No way. No how. Nuh-uh. The content easily borders between the "R" and "X" movie ratings. I wouldn't even show a kid this game, never mind advertise it on MTV like they do.
The thing is made for adults. And mark my words, it is gonna be the hugest-selling entertainment product ever. Bigger than any movie or CD. It may even outsell the Bible.
IT DIDN'T START like this. When home gaming first began, it was for kids and people my age-as a form of anti-Hollywood entertainment. Games like Midway's Mortal Kombat, where you could punch off heads, rip out spinal cords and tear out hearts could never be duplicated on the big screen. For the mainstream, anyway.
But as with everything else, as gaming got bigger, Hollywood saw the potential for product placement, and films based on what people were doing in their own homes. Behind closed doors.
It probably all started with Bob Hoskins in Super Mario Bros., but who cares. The point is, like my beloved punk rock, it stopped being rebellion and started being packaged, corporate make-believe rebellion.
But here's the good part: A lot of these game companies were started by really cool folks like you and me, and now they are getting really fucking rich. And good for them. When enough of them become so rich they are the establishment, I bet things change for the better. Unlike our current Corporate Overlords now, these guys are selling dreams, not oil. Or pharmaceuticals, or any of that shit.
They're selling imagination. And with that comes hope.
Of course, at this point, I sound schizophrenic. Which I'm not. Depressed and on Prozac, yes, but no lithium for me. Yet. On the one hand I'm saying everyone is just gonna sit on their ass and do nothing because virtual reality is very easy and tons more fun. On the other, I'm preaching that the video-game guys will lead our nation into a brighter and more thoughtful future.
And I'm right. Both of me.
As with everything, when you do it too much, you get sick of it. Eventually, game developers will stray from shoot-'em-ups and puzzle solving to other things. We already have RPGs (Role Playing Games), and massive online gaming where we can kill our neighbor without even ever having to shake his hand.
But we also have games out like the new Leisure Suit Larry from Sierra, where the object of the game is to fuck, and fuck, and fuck some more. While the game play itself is useless, it opens the door to other games. Like the one coming out this winter about being the head of the Playboy Mansion.
When we get tired of tugging our joysticks to virtual reality/video games, I'm betting gaming turns political. Which, in turn, can and will, in the end, make humanity more civil. Ever walked a mile in someone else's shoes? Soon, you'll be able to.
ENOUGH OF THAT. Let's get to the great video games that are out now for the holidays. Out now for PlayStation 2 is the new Ratchet and Clank game called Up Your Arsenal. Like last year's Going Commando and the initial eponymous installment (all from Insomniac and Sony), this baby rocks my world. You play as this rabbit-looking dude who has a little robot for a sidekick. While it's totally fantasy and great for kids of all ages, you get to blow the fuck out of everything, and the game play is very addictive and fun. Plus, it's now online, if you care about such things. The graphics are sharper than ever, and the game play is tighter than your 14-year-old high school prom date.
Then there's the new Mortal Kombat: Deception. Best graphics for the series yet, and more bodily fluids than a hospital E.R. Plus, there are new modes like "chess" and a sort of "puzzle-fighter" mode. Lots of fun, and a worthy successor to one of my favorite series.
Series. Sequel. Movies.
Get it?
Okay, then there're also some other pretty kick-ass games, which I'll just mention in passing, but only because they are worthy of your hard-earned money.
There's Mechassualt 2 from Microsoft, which I'm only supposed to preview, but can tell you it's pretty darn fuckin' fun. Then there's NBA Live 2005 from EA that scores big time. Not to mention what I've seen of Halo 2, and Doom 3, which is out right now for your PC and will make you shit your pants. There's also Viewtiful Joe 2, which is viewtiful; Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door my pop-punk pal swears by, and some other great sports titles I'd really like to write about, but since this paper dumped New York Sports Express, I don't have the room.
I WAS GOING to use the following space to write about the Nintendo DS, which is Double Screen, but seeing as Nintendo is really not showing much of the thing until the end of the month when it's due out, and seeing the lack of games due upon release, I'll reserve my judgment until it arrives. I was thinking it was gonna topple the GBA, the GameBoy Advance, but, now, I'm not so sure.
And the same goes with the overpriced Sony PSP, Sony's new portable unit, which, unlike the DS, is more expensive and has only one screen.
Don't get me wrong, I love my GameBoy, how much, you'll never know, but I will tell you I've spent many more hours playing with its button's than anyone else's. But I'm kind of worried about two new portable systems. They are just not getting the "industry" push I was hoping for.
Then again, that could change. But I saw the same thing happen with the Sega Game Gear, Tiger's stupid Game.Com and other bumps that came down the road. They lost their value faster than a used condom.
Instead, I will use this final bit of space to write about the wonderfulness of the GameBoy Advance (no surprise), and some of the fine games that you should get your kids for Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanzaa or Festivus.
First there's Boktai 2: Solar Boy Django, from Konami. This game uses the sun to power it, literally. There's a chip in the cartridge, just like in the prequel, that reads ultraviolet light. You play as a vampire killer, and you must use the sun to kill off those nasty bloodsuckers. This game forces your kids to get out into the sun. Like it forces me. Fuckin' thing has already given me a sunburn.
Then, from Disney, there's Tron 2.0: Killer App. If you are a fan of the old-school movie, then you are old and should be in a nursing home. But even there, in your rocking chair, you'll have a blast playing this big fun game in the tiny cartridge. The plot involves you waking up "nanoseconds" after the movie, which, I guess in computer time, seems like years, and you've got to take control after a nasty virus has attacked. For those of you who don't know what the fuck I'm talking about, I'll make it simple: You live in a computer, and you must defend it with your life. The cartridge also has the original Tron games from the arcades, and has the light cycles. Yes!
From Sega there's Astro Boy: Omega Factor. It has the best graphics I've seen to date on the GBA, but I have to warn you to play this game on "easy." Otherwise it's just too fucking hard. The game involves some transvestite baby who shoots lasers. Whatever, but it sure is fun.
Then there's Spider-Man 2 from Activision, which, to me, is very frustrating, as well as Advance Guardian Heroes from Ubisoft that's frustrating as well. But more fun.
Then there are the typical Disney releases, like Lilo & Stitch 2: Hamsterviel's Revenge and Lizzie McGuire, which really are for the youngest of gamers (think infants who are just beyond putting things in their mouth). These games offer pretty colors and simple game play, and I don't feel bad recommending them, nor Majesto's run of cartoons and tv shows made for kids to watch on the amazing little machine.
All that said, I gotta admit that the best game for kids this season is The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie, which, besides being on the GBA, is also available on the PlayStation2, Xbox and the quickly dying GameCube.
It's fun, colorful and sincerely funny. And in this day and age, when even the deepest and darkest ironies of humanity are playing themselves out on a world stage to zero laughs, we need SpongeBob.
Happy Holidays. And soon to be, Happy Hollowdecks.
They Live.