Drunken Gratuity: A Guide

Thomas Keller's decision to eradicate tipping from his insanely priced Per Se and install a flat rate-20 percent-has given blowhards a shot of mainlined adrenaline.

"Restaurateurs believe it is their right to have consumers pay servers, so they don't have to pay their employees a living wage," wrote Steven A. Shaw in a New York Times op-ed. "Social pressure is the primary reason people tip, and a substantial number of people do not want to feel that pressure," said consumer psychologist Michael Lynn in the New York Post.

Exactly, which is why this hot-plate subject started sizzling on my brain. My dinners rarely run more than $10, mostly centering on $3.50 turkey-and-cheese sandwiches sold through a bodega's bulletproof window. Drinking, on the other hand, yikes-dropping $40 on a Tuesday night to "celebrate" a triumph, like brushing my teeth or popping a particularly gooey pimple, is hardly uncommon.

Now let's do some math. Say I spend $40 boozing. Conservatively, that's eight drinks at $4 per-$32. The remaining $8 arises from the obligatory dollar-per-drink tip. Tipping one dollar on a four-dollar drink is akin to a 25-percent gratuity. Throwing a buck on a $2 PBR, why, that's 50 percent. Hookers aren't tipped that well.

So I call bullshit on bar tipping. Accuse me of being a tight-pocketed, anteater-nosed Jew, sure, but if servers at Per Se-one of the world's elite restaurants-just receive 20 percent on artfully prepared food, why should Welcome to the Johnsons' bartenders get a buck for grabbing an unopened can of $1.50 happy-hour Pabst? Answer me that, dear drinkers, and I'll provide my tips:

Mixed Drinks

Always drop at least one dollar, more if you're sipping at a cocktail temple like East Side Company. Stirring, measuring and pouring take extra effort and time, which the bartender could use to serve someone else. Besides, tipping on mixed drinks can result in stronger pours, which means you'll need less to drink and, therefore, provide fewer gratuities.

Draft Beer

Tip on two out of every three pints, especially if your suds arrive sans foamy head. The exceptions to the rule include Guinness, which should, ideally, take three minutes to pour. In that case, a buck for the bartender.

Canned Beer

A Catch-22 for the cheap bastard. He drinks it so he can get sauced for less, then ends up wasting precious drinking dough on tips. Instead, corral at least three canned-beer orders at once and tip one dollar, perhaps two bucks the first round. The bartender, after all, just retrieves cans, a task accomplished by monkeys. Primates, however, lack opposable thumbs to crack the can, which better bartenders do, so that's why tipping is compulsory. For bottles, one buck for two beers is appropriate.

Shots

One dollar per, always, especially if imbibing surliness-enabling tequila. Consider it asshole tax. No one drinks shots to Zen out. The bartender must grin and bear your slurry nonsense and braggadocio. Exceptions include the "bad idea," a $5 PBR-and-whiskey "special." One dollar will suffice for the night-ending combo.

Wine

Bartenders are merely transferring liquids from vessel to vessel. Even my girlfriend's class of preschoolers accomplishes that without spilling a drop. However, one buck per glass, more for fancier wines-if you can ante up for vino, you can afford the gratuity. (Note: Like mixed drinks, the bartender defines how much-or little-alcohol you'll receive. Tip with caution.)

Open Bar

Tip, you freeloading liver-failure case. You're guzzling while the bartender buzzes around like a methed-up octopus, trying to sate drinkers with gullets the size of drain pipes. A buck here is a pity tip, like gifting a dollar to the N train's blind accordion player.

See how easy that was! Living in New York City is a Sisyphean struggle against common sense. Drinking is one of the few ways we can relax our minds-without, hopefully, fretting about the tip. But if you forget these rules (or find them complete miserly bluster), just remember not to cross the 20-percent threshold. If it's good enough for Thomas Keller, it's good enough for the drunks.