Dr. Dot

Last week, the ladies vented. This week,, the gents get their point across. So herewith are the things that men most dislike about women:

? Talking too much and too loud. Men are not like us; they don't speak as much and don't want to hear all of your petty crap or gossip. Save the long chats for your girlfriends and make it "quality not quantity" with your guy.

? Complaining. Sure, they deserve nagging sometimes, but they know how to tune you out-and the more you nag, the less they listen. Try leaving notes to get a point across or saving the whining for big issues. If he isn't what you want, leave him. But meanwhile, don't be a damn nag.

? Stalking. Uh, if he doesn't call you and pursue you, he is not into you. Let it go. Don't drop by unannounced, snoop or bother him; it only drives him further away. Give him space or lose him.

? Routine sex. You want him to drool over you and yearn for you? Two words: oral sex.

? Pressure to marry and have kids. Let him lead; the pressure may force him to do what you want, but he'll resent you and the situation. That's how cheating begins.

? An Amazon jungle down there. Keep it tidy and, for God's sake, clean!

? Shopping and talking about shopping. Notice the penis? It means they are not females. They are different; do not treat them like a girlfriend if you want them to act like a boyfriend.

? Mothering them or being just too damned nice. Make them work for your love. Don't make everything easy and convenient. They live for challenges, unless they are spoiled freeloaders.

In short, they want an independent, ambitious, strong, clean female who gives them space and lots of exciting sex. Keep busy, save the 30,000 words a day for the girls and remember: Nothing beats a gal with a huge sense of humor.

I have been dating this chick for over six months now, and she is always talking about having my baby. But I am only 26, and she is 24. I told her it's too soon for me. I want to sew my wild oats. I do care for her and love fucking her, but never wanted her to get pregnant. She always told me she takes her birth control pills, so I never used a condom with her. Now she is four months pregnant and refuses to get rid of it. I told her I will not marry her or even live with her. I feel trapped and angry as hell. She tries to make me feel guilty and wants me to be only with her.

Lets get one thing straight: If you don't want offspring and/or diseases, always use condoms. You can't blame it all on her. But now you have this situation on your hands, so "should've, would've, could'ves" are useless. You did the right thing by telling her where you stand.

You shouldn't marry or cohabitate out of pressure and guilt. Be as kind to her as possible without leading her on and tell her you will be a good father, friend and support her and your child the best you can. That's all you can do. You live and learn, you screw and reproduce.

Try to see the positive side of it. She is bearing your child, a gift that lasts forever. Just try not to piss her off.

This weekend I am planning on driving up to my boyfriend's house to see him. I want to surprise him with something new in bed, but don't know what to do. Do you have any suggestions that won't cost me an arm and a leg? (I am a poor college chick.) First, your shopping list: A cheesy, inexpensive table cloth made of soft plastic, the 99-cent ones you can get for picnic tables. Then you need a few bananas, sugar-free whipped cream, sugar-free chocolate syrup, Maraschino cherries, and some chocolate or rainbow sprinkles (or shots or jimmy's).

If you haven't guessed by now, you will be his banana split. For a dramatic effect, shave your pussy nice and smooth for him and walk into the room wearing just a long coat, belted tightly so he can't see what's under (and sexy shoes/boots).

With a very confident and sexy look on your face, hand him the bag of goodies and tell him to look inside for his surprise. He will no doubt be like "eh?", that's when you take off your coat and say "Make me into a banana split." He should slice the bananas in half while you lay out the plastic "sheet."

Lie down naked. Let him decorate you with the goodies. Don't worry about the mess, just let him go wild and decorate you and then lick it off of you. And don't spoil the mood by whining about your hair, etc. The reason the sweets have to be sugar-free, is to avoid the worst yeast infection known to mankind. In fact, the most expensive part of this surprise may be the cream you will need for your snatch if any sugar gets in there. This is a surprise that he shall never forget, and it makes a great conversation piece the next day at work.