Down With Defeatism!

The dating scene sucks. It seems like every time I meet a girl that I like, she only wants to be friends. The situation becomes very frustrating and disappointing. Any advice?

-Mr. Nice Guy

If you keep meeting girls who just want to befriend you, quit being so friendly. Note that I am not-absolutely not-suggesting you act like a jackass. I'm just saying that instead of being the safe guy in whom girls feel compelled to confide their deep dark secrets, hold back a little. Don't be nasty, just a bit mysterious. Don't underestimate the power of silence. A knowing nod will go far toward making us ladies think you're thinking deep thoughts instead of what you're really thinking about, which is how pert our nipples look pushing their way through that wifebeater. Think a little more Fonzie, and a lot less Opie. Got it?

You have to remember that chemistry is an elusive, yet crucial, element in any relationship, no matter how fleeting. And yes, it blows when your pheromones are screaming "yee haw," while hers are elsewhere getting their nails done. But sorry hon, that's life. We've all been there.

Let me get back to the "nice guy" thing for a minute. I'm not saying you're guilty of this (because I wouldn't know you if you bit me on the ass), but a lot of alleged "nice guys" are actually quite the opposite. They're angry, bitter and mean. These yutzes will ignore the perfectly cute smart girl sitting next to them in favor of the Latvian supermodel who wouldn't fuck them with someone else's twat. (Or unless they moved up a few dozen tax brackets.) I can't tell you how many of these guys I hear from-infuriated that simply not being a prick isn't enough to garner them women way outta their league to begin with. Which in itself is prickish behavior. But again, I'm not saying that's you; it's just something you might wanna think about.

Back when I was dating, it seemed I only met men who wanted to fuck me and then flee, so "just friends" doesn't sound so bad. Sure, being treated like a human sperm receptacle didn't do much for my self-esteem, though I guess you could argue that at least I got laid out of the deal.

Much like I suspect you're doing, after a while I started to-if not hate-at least work up a serious lather of loathing for the opposite sex. Who were these jackasses to throw heaps of charm at my feet and then cut and run once they got their dicks wet? I'd get all kinds of angry and sometimes even go so far as to call these cads on their callousness. "In my country, when someone cooks you dinner, fucks you three times and then gives you the best goddamned blowjob you've ever had, you call and thank her the next day. Or at least the next week!" I recall one such exercise in humiliation going.

Once I was done being pissed off (and he'd blocked my number), I'd lapse into pity-party mode. "B-b-b-but, I'm not a bad person," I'd blubber uselessly to myself whilst checking email compulsively and ascertaining for the eleventh time that my phone was in fact working. "Why doesn't anybody love me?"

And that would be my state of mind as I'd trot off to meet the next knucklehead. Pathetic starts with a "p," just like purdy! Now take a minute and give yourself a good long once-over in the mirror. Any bells going off?

See, nobody wants to date the doormat. I've been the lady sporting the "kick me" sign, but I've also been the happy fun-haver sitting across the table from the mopey sad sack who's certain this date-just like (sigh) all the others-will wind down with a chaste peck on the cheek and a case of blue balls. I remember one guy I was seriously contemplating busting a move on until he sighed, "I don't even know why I leave the house anymore-nothing ever works out for me." Thanks, pal.

So let's lose the defeatist attitude, shall we? True, nothing's worked out so far, but there are an assload of women in this town. Start trying to enjoy the process of picking through them. In fact, there are scores more straight ladies than straight men, so the odds are stacked overwhelmingly in your favor (so not fair!). You can't let the first 500 or so get you down.