Conquest
CONQUEST
BLUE UNDERGROUND
I LOOKED AROUND THE room, then back at the screen. No, it wasn't my eyes for once-the film was blurry. It's not that it was a bad print-the whole damn movie was intentionally blurry. It's an effect often used for dream sequences and softcore sex scenes, and that's okay-but when you make the whole film fuzzy in order to convey a sense of fantasy and otherworldliness, well, it's just annoying. For the life of me, I just could not tell what the hell was happening onscreen.
Lucio Fulci, best known for his zombie pictures, made this sword-and-sorcery epic in 1983, in an apparent attempt to cash in on the recent success of Conan the Barbarian, Excalibur and Clash of the Titans. It didn't work.
The plot, so far as I could tell through all the murk, was pretty standard. The traditional young hero is sent out into the world with a magical bow on a quest to "destroy evil." A wicked, topless queen is involved, as is a brutal race of hairy, ape-like creatures. Many innocents are slaughtered and (I think) eaten. Our hero picks up a muscular companion along the way, which leads to a heavy dose of homoeroticism.
I couldn't say much more than that, though. It's awfully blurry-and there's nothing contained on the no-frills package that would help clear things up.
JIM KNIPFEL
SCTV VOL. 2
SHOUT! FACTORY
ND A GREAT huzzah arose from the people, as it was learned from a prophet that the mighty success of the first nine-episode volume of SCTV available upon the mysterious silvery discs would indeed justify a second volume. The shouts of exultation rose to the heavens, whereupon it was decreed that Vol. 2 would indeed contain the Plasmatics on "The Fishin Musician," and that episode where the Soviet broadcast satellite reigns supreme over the SCTV satellite.
"Praise be!" the people cried. "'What Fits in Russia?' is ours to cherish and enjoy! It's outdated, but who cares?"
"True, my children," the prophet counseled, now clutching a glowing remote the color of amber. "Cold War humor is outdated. But so much on this collection is not-feast thine eyes upon the brilliant parody of The Godfather! And 'Doorway to Hell'! And Gerry Todd's electronic battle with Tim Ishumuni!"
"And Orson Welles!": a voice from the crowd added, "Orson Welles performing 'Good King Wenceslas'!"
"Yes indeed," the prophet said, nodding and punching a button.
The shouts of great gladness grew more muted, however, when news arrived that On the Waterfront Again remained absent from the collection.
"But wait!" cried the prophet. "This too is cause for celebration, for that means they must release?Vol. 3!!"
And the people rejoiced anew.