Coney Island Polar Bears; Imaginary Friends & Adult Entertainment; Steve Bernstein's Millennial Territory Orchestra; Thalia Zedek at Knit; "All that Jazz: The Films of Bob Fosse"; Kinderkamack-Pascack Nyack Attack; Lounge-O-Leers;

Steven Bernstein, NYC jazz luminary and trumpeter extraordinaire, brings his Millennial Territory Orchestra to Jazz Standard this first weekend of the new year. Take solace in Bernstein's eclectic and intelligent music, because you won't find much else to enjoy in what will almost certainly be a disastrous 2003, with clones and attacks and a Ben-J.Lo marriage timed to the release of Daredevil. There are few expressions of frustration as satisfying as the extended slide trumpet notes that Bernstein belts out in concert and on record with his other band, Sex Mob. Fri.-Sat., Jan. 3-4, 7:30, 9:30, 11:30 p.m., $25; Sun. Jan. 5, 7:30, 9:30, $20. At Jazz Standard, 116 E. 27th St. (betw. Park Ave. S. & Lexington Ave.), 576-2232.

We've been drinking mimosas every morning since Christmas?it helps us survive days of 14-hour darkness. But it also makes us more prone to criticize ineptness. Today we noticed a new music genre called "sadcore": allmusic.com used it in its description of Thalia Zedek's (Come, Live Skull) new EP, You're a Big Girl Now, on Massachusetts-based label Kimchee. Come on?let's stop this ridiculousness and put an end to the "Create a Genre" game: just because you can add the prefix "post" or suffix "core" to an existing kind of music doesn't mean it qualifies as a new genre. Anyway, Thalia, who we love for her raspy voice, impeccable covers and dark, deep-set eyes, headlines Sat., Jan. 4, at Knitting Factory's Old Office, 74 Leonard St. (betw. Church St. & B'way), 219-3055; 8, $10. Can't think of a better way to begin the new year.

Bob Fosse's in the news these days with all the Chicago hoopla, but it's worth a trip to Queens to see some of the films he did while alive, when he could put his giant fingerprint on them in person. This Sat.-Sun., Jan. 4-5, the American Museum of the Moving Image's "All That Jazz: The Films of Bob Fosse" offers Sweet Charity (Sat., 1:30), Lenny (Sat. & Sun. at 6:30), All That Jazz (Sun., 2), Star 80 (Sun., 4:30) and, most tripworthy, Cabaret (Sat., 4). In this 1972 musical/dramedy/ horror show set in Berlin on the eve of WWII, Joel Grey does with a lascivious smirk what it took Alan Cumming red nipples and much crotch-grabbing to get across. Younger viewers will learn why Liza Minnelli is famous today. 35th Ave. (36th St.), Astoria, 718-784-0077, www.ammi.org; $8.50, $5.50 st./s.c.

Sure, Kinderkamack-Pascack Nyack Attack sounds funny now. But when you utter it?or barely gasp it?at the end of Fast and Fabulous' 60-mile circuit, the words will ring with a paean of triumph. The gay and lesbian cycling club starts out at 9 a.m., on Sun., Jan. 5, and trucks it through the sylvan roads of western Bergen County. They promise the hills are "no real killers," although, at an average speed of 18 mph, a flat Teflon track would do us in. The day ends up at the Runcible Spoon in Nyack, for some cheap, healthy, fast and fabulous wraps. Helmets are required, and inclement weather cancels the trip. Show the folks upstate that the most dangerous dykes on bikes are the self-propelled ones. Meet at Central Park Boathouse, Central Park, 72nd St. (5th Ave.), 567-7160, www.fastnfab.org, free.

Two of the funniest women in America?Nora Ephron and Elaine May?have plays running in New York just now, both of them, in a way, about literary pornography: Ephron's Imaginary Friends, about the longstanding feud between Lillian Hellman and Mary McCarthy; and May's Adult Entertainment, about a group of porn stars who form their own production company and come to grief when they bring an intellectual (a Yale graduate, actually) on board. We got a big charge out of both plays, but Elaine May's really partakes of greatness. It's funny, poignant and gloriously anti-intellectual, and we think it deserves a Pulitzer, especially the part where the girl dances around with a toy orangutan on her hoo-hah. Adult Entertainment plays Tues.-Fri. at 8, Sat. at 2 & 8, Sun. at 3 & 7:30, at the Variety Arts Theater, 110 3rd Ave. (betw. 13th & 14th Sts.), 239-6200; Imaginary Friends plays Mon.-Sat. at 8, Weds. & Sat. mats at 2, at the Barrymore Theater, 243 W. 47th St. (betw. 6th Ave. & B'way), 239-6200. Note: due to the New Year's holiday, call to confirm schedules.

Dressed in white suits with boleros and Elvis Costello glasses, Ricky Ritzel and Aaron "Hot Rod" Morishita?aka the Lounge-O-Leers?have been performing kicked-back synthesized covers of hits for years, but they're not even close to calling it a day. Set to lounge tune cliches like "The Girl from Ipanema," the first 20 seconds of each Lounge-O-Leers song is a guessing game, where we and ours have had much fun determining whether the artist is TLC, Eminem, Kylie Minogue, the Beatles or Nirvana. Difficulty is heightened by the distracting nature of the Leers, who are shoo-ins as Andy Warhol understudies. Held anywhere else this duo's talent would go unnoticed, but thanks to the cabaret fanatics who frequent Judy's, they always receive a warm welcome. The Lounge-O-Leers perform Mondays at Judy's Chelsea, 169 8th Ave. (betw. 18th & 19th Sts.), 929-5410; 10, free.