CAPRICORN (DEC Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) An insane ...

An insane plethora of meaningless awards ceremonies abounds out there, celebrating numerous ridiculous non-achievements with unwarranted pomp and glee. So it galls you when anyone (including you) does something truly good and gets virtually no recognition, and, certainly, no trophy. It may be hard to tolerate all the hollow, hearty backslapping out there, in light of what you (and few others, apparently) can see. Still, I suggest you bite your tongue. You're doing the good you do because it's good, not for credit or congratulations. Besides, demanding recognition is only likely to make you and your generous deeds look miserly. Be patient. You'll get the limelight you deserve?just not right away.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Once upon a time, some people felt they could achieve instant hipness (or at least trendiness) by piercing their genitals, going bisexual or starting their very own dotcoms. You weren't one of them. For ages, you've been manifesting your own quiet version of cool without even trying. Finally, certain heretofore-oblivious folk are taking notice, for good or ill. On the plus side, you stand to make more money, get the babe more often, and attract groupies. On the down side, however, you'll have to contend with imitators, lusty hangers-on and, yes, groupies. Don't waste time longing for a quieter life, or suddenly capitulating to the demands of the masses who now adore you. Just keep doing what you've been doing. Your way works, more or less. Don't fuck it up now.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

I read in a tabloid that two of a man's multiple personalities married each other. Let's immediately table analysis of that slightly ridiculous premise so we can get to why I mentioned it in the first place. No, you don't have multiple personality syndrome. But you do possess facets that are so disparate that they almost seem like different people. Some of your internal battles are epic. However, two of your strongest drives, which have historically been in continual opposition, are now open to forging a stable new alliance, thanks to a new person or opportunity in your life. Wed them, already.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Lately you've felt as lacking in vocabulary as the family dog. You've tried your damnedest to communicate what you've been feeling, nonverbally, but it's not coming across. Whenever you've attempted to actually speak, you've felt desperately at a loss for words. Quit panting and wagging your tail. No one's getting it. Part of the problem, of course, is that you can't articulate to yourself, clearly, what you've been craving. Don't jump the gun and try to convey your vague and powerful longings to those around you until you've figured out precisely what they are. This week, do just that, so next week you can ask for, and get, exactly what you want, finally.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

I spent the morning wading through yellow snow. Thanks to a lingering snowfall, the unpleasant truth's become obvious and undeniable: My local park is coated with urine. The evidence is everywhere; just try finding a patch of clear white to step in. Believe me, I'd rather not know. You may identify, soon, when you're burdened with an unwelcome load of knowledge you'd rather have denied. It's insufferable, because there's nothing you can really do, besides resign yourself to it. Still, it's a good exercise in self-control and making choices to maximize your own happiness. You could use this new knowledge to become obsessive-compulsive, or you could shrug, make yellow snowballs and gleefully throw them at every dog you see.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

What a crazy crowd you run in! From your enthusiastic anecdotes, it sounds like on Tuesday your companions are nearly as shifty as a gang of armed back alley conspiratorial thugs, but by Thursday they're as innocuous and charmed as the cast of an old school Disney cartoon. I'm exaggerating, but my point's still valid. From here it's obvious?either your cohorts are all amazing actors who lead fascinating double lives, of which you only get provocative glimpses, or they're all quite normal, and it's your own perception that's fluctuating so wildly. Give those around you the benefit of the doubt this week. The distorting filters through which you're viewing them are extra thick.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

My phone's been ringing all day, but I can't be bothered to go find it, let alone answer it. I hear it ringing faintly somewhere, probably in yesterday's pants pocket. You'd do well to imitate my antisocial behavior every once in a while. There is such a thing as being too connected. Since it's virtually impossible for you to leave a ringing phone unanswered, I suggest you turn off the ringer frequently this week. Voicemail exists for many reasons; right now its primary purpose is to give you a much-needed break from having to answer (and cater) to others' emotional requirements. Let it do its job while you do yours: Take care of yourself.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

We should put a bell around your astrological neck, like a cat. The way you've been sneaking up on people and surprising them at every turn?sometimes unpleasantly, like a tabby pouncing on a songbird?you deserve to have your presence subtly?or dramatically?announced, for a while. Don't pout; it's not all bad. You won't miss out on any moments in the spotlight, purring naptime cuddles, or secret romances because of your tinkling soundtrack, and you'll suffer far fewer slaps in the face, lawsuits or suspicious looks. And when you finally get to take off the bell, everyone will be so used to it, your sneakiest antics will be more effective and surprising than ever.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

You know, you're allowed to bail. I mean that in both senses of the word?you're hereby given astrological permission to flake on your commitments, and thereby bail out the boat of your life before it capsizes and sinks. I would never give this kind of sanction to those self-absorbed Cancers or those self-indulgent Leos?they'd both take it and run with it. But I know you won't abuse it. The waters are splashing over the edges of your little craft. Don't be a martyr. Save yourself. Ditch some time- and energy-sucking ballast, now.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Don't worry, kiddo. Santa's coming to your house whether you believe in him or not. He's not bringing coal, or toxic plutonium, as some think you probably deserve. He's bringing you toys, or at least one very special plaything that will make 2004 much cooler than you ever suspected it could be. What do you have to do? Nothing, strictly speaking. But since the worth of the blessing or benefit you're getting is calculated directly based on your own generosity to others, I'd give wisely and copiously. Convince me (and the universe) that you were going to do that already and you get bonus points for selflessness.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

It makes sense to prevent carpal tunnel by doing wrist exercises, and to keep your eyes healthy by allowing them to wander rather than fixate for hours on a single point (like your television or computer screen). It's also good to let your heart uncurl in ways unfamiliar to it, and let your mind drift from the one or two topics it's lately favored almost obsessively. So get up off your ass, emotionally. Stretch. Give your heart and head a good workout by lovin' on all those folks that want it from you, but rarely get it. It'll be good for you; not only is it likely to prevent injury a little farther down the line, it may even give you a new raison d'etre.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

People ought to be more laid-back and forgiving. Unfortunately, they're not. Go ahead and bail on a first date or job interview because you're hung over. You'll be forgiven but also forgotten?it'll kill any chance of you ever getting together with that person, or landing that position. Back out on helping your friend move if you must, don't expect an invite to the housewarming party. In other words, make sure you take responsibility for your own shit this week, and do everything you've promised or arranged for, because second chances are in short supply.

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