Traffic jams could very well remain New York's favorite motor-sport. The Staten Island Advance reported last Monday to the proposed NASCAR track on Staten Island's west shore would destroy state-protected freshwater and tidal wetlands. The proposed 80,000-seat track would be built on 675 acres, 240 of which are wetlands.
If NASCAR fails to find a home on Staten Island, however, there are several other Red State cultural phenomena that would be economically friendly to the city's most underdeveloped borough. Here, we offer a few suggestions:
?With Mid-America finally starting to shut down meth labs, those tweakers need a new refuge. Why not let them relocate to Staten Island? Besides, meth is big business (maybe even in the same neighborhood of NASCAR), and the main reason for the new track is to jump-start the economy. Another bonus of Meth Island would be the reduction of meth-heads from the rest of New York (there may not be a ton of them, but if there's one, there's too many).
? Anyone who still believes that the "South will rise again," or that it's "Union 1, Confederacy 0 at halftime" seriously needs to have his or her head examined. But that's not going to happen any time soon, with the perpetual downsizing of mental healthcare programs leaving doctors overworked. One way to lighten their burden would be to move all those racist rednecks to Staten Island. How's that for segregation? Besides saving loads of dough on healthcare, they could live amongst like-minded ignoramuses, and the rest of us could forget their little Confederate Island exists. Obviously the Wu-Tang Clan would have to be relocated, but the other boroughs could have four or five members each (or however many of them there are to go around).
? The South has always been a forerunner of popular music, and Staten Island would be a wonderful base for another Southern favorite: Crunk. Think how exciting Staten Island would be if it were filled to capacity with Lil' John and Ying-Yang Twins-types? At least it wouldn't be as boring as NASCAR. Then again, what could be?