Are You a Match?

TO HELP MAKE this whole "War on Terrorism" thing a little easier, NYPD officers have now been equipped with a handy checklist of indicators to quickly and easily tell them whether or not that guy having a smoke outside your office building is a terrorist.

Designed and compiled within the NYPD, "Possible Indicators of Terrorist Activity" is a two-sided card designed to fit inside an officer's memo book for easy reference.

So are we terrorists? Let's find out! According to the checklist, real terrorists:

? Videotape bridges (We took some snapshots of the Golden Gate once while visiting San Francisco-does that count?)

? Store blueprints of possible targets (Can't say we've ever done that. Never could read the damn things.)

? Carry several driver's licenses (We admit that we do, but only because we like the picture on the expired one better. That new picture's a nightmare.)

? Live in a sparsely furnished home or apartment (Guess we're guilty there, too-but furniture's expensive and besides, we don't have that much room.)

? Sell untaxed cigarettes (We certainly buy them-does that count?)

? Express hatred for America (What if we just don't like it very much on a particular day?)

? Advocate violence against America and/or Americans (Do they mean generally, or if I'm talking about the asshole who lives upstairs? We'd like to sock him in the nose.)

So how did you do? Ourselves, we think it's time to take a trip to Ikea and, on the whole, keep our damn fool mouths shut.