A.N.S.W.E.R. Me!

It isn't my intent to spend a big evening out with the loony leftists of A.N.S.W.E.R.-aka Act Now To Stop War And End Racism, which is only the answer to the question, "Which prominent anti-war group does the media continually refuse to identify as Stalinists?"

Still, I'm charmed by the dame who answers the phone when I call on Monday morning. The big news is that Iraq has gotten sovereignty two days early. I'm calling to see if this means any change for the planned protest on what would have been the announced day for the transfer of power.

"Um," asks the suspicious gal, "why would we push it forward?"

"You don't know why I'm asking?"

"No-but not everybody's in the office yet."

It can't be easy to work at A.N.S.W.E.R.. I'm imagining a lot of people with fingers in their ears trilling, "La la la?" Or maybe all the televisions are tuned in to CNN, so they haven't gotten the news. It's pretty hard to report from Iraq when you're still waiting to get your talking points from Saddam Hussein.

Anyway, this makes me curious to attend A.N.S.W.E.R.'s big protest against Iraqi freedom-or, as they put it, "fake sovereignty." Maybe that's like the "fake communism" all the socialists started decrying after the Berlin Wall suddenly disappeared. You know, along with their funding.

So here I am at the post office across from Madison Square Garden, as a motley group assembles to defend Saddam and insist on their right to protest "on the site" of the Republican National Convention. It's an inspiring sight for a conservative. A couple of young idiots bring the median age of the picketers down to maybe 65 years. This includes an old coot handing out copies of Worker's World, which offers the bizarre gay-friendly headline, "Why Socialism Is Key For LGBT Liberation."

Here's the first easy shot I can't resist. "Hey," I ask, "what's your idea of a good socialist country?"

"What kinda question is that? Cuba."

"How do you think homosexuals are treated in Cuba?"

"Pretty good."

It would be easy to hack out a column full of similar conversations. That kind of delusion has become the norm for the left. The Gay Cable Network has been defending the AIDS camps of Cuba since back in the 90s. I wouldn't even have to single out the most deranged losers for conversation. The sad truth is that they'd only repeat the same lies now routinely parroted by Ted Kennedy, Nancy Pelosi and other prominent Democrats.

I'd like to find something to make me feel better about the state of the left. My hopes are briefly raised when I see buttons that declare, "Free the Cuban 5." The gal behind the table doesn't have any literature handy, so she can't tell me what the button means. I'm hoping that the Cuban 5 might be the jailed volunteer librarians whose plight is ignored-if not endorsed-by the American Library Association.

Instead, I'll later discover that the supposedly oppressed Cubans are actually lousy Castro spies who got caught trying to sabotage the freedom-loving Cubans of Miami-or, as the leftists describe them, "the ultra-right terrorist groups in Miami."

There are always creative definitions of "terrorism" at these events. That's because A.N.S.W.E.R. spends a lot of time in Yasser Arafat's pocket. I'm not surprised to see a protestor demanding "Stop U.S. Aid To Israel." He's holding one of the mass-produced signs being handed out by A.N.S.W.E.R.. We all know what'll happen without U.S. aid to Israel, but what does A.N.S.W.E.R. care about Jews?

Their position is perfectly in line with Michael Moore's recent statement that the evils of "the oil companies, Israel, Halliburton" are all "part of the same ball of wax." Of course, the event doesn't neglect that other anti-Semitic favorite. Puerto Rican activist Francisco Garcia gets to give the speech with an obligatory reference to the "so-called '9/11 episode'"-"so-called" because, he explains, it was "an inside job."

Garcia later assures me that many people here agree with his theory. I don't doubt that. Not a single demonstrator did a double take. Why should they? James Carville has aligned himself with that conspiracy theory, and he's a genuine Washington insider.

The event also includes a genuine celebrity of the anti-war movement. Former U.S. Attorney General Ramsey Clark shows up to take the mic. He's the founder of the International Action Center, which is affiliated with A.N.S.W.E.R., and is resplendently banal in polyester pants and sneakers. He literally foams at the mouth while informing us that Bush is the real villain, and Saddam Hussein is an innocent guy who's going to be unfairly put on trial by the same people he victimized. Yeah, Ramsey, those victims are known as "the Iraqi people," and you'd be whining about lack of jurisdiction if Saddam wasn't tried by his countrymen.

Things get weird after Clark's speech, though. He's on crutches-most likely having twisted his ankle in a rush to kiss some dictator's ass-so Clark can't run back to his lush home. Instead, he has to deal with the rabble who come up to ask him questions. This provides the amazing sight of Ramsey Clark almost speaking the truth.

Not surprisingly, his most dedicated followers are clearly nuts. One guy wants Clark to help him "get the word out to young people" about the upcoming draft. Clark patiently explains to this daffy fellow about how there's really no chance of the draft being reinstated. Then another woman starts complaining to Clark about how A.N.S.W.E.R. fails to speak against John Kerry and all those other Democrats who initially supported the war in Iraq.

That's actually a reasonable point. Clark's position, however, is that Kerry really had no choice, since "the people had voted" and Bush had been elected president. It's nice to hear a lefty acknowledge that Bush won the election. The only problem is that Clark will also tell you that Saddam Hussein was voted into office.

Clark's rationalizing for Kerry also puts the lie to constant reminders that the demonstrators will also be protesting against Democrats. They'll picket wherever they can, but Clark's made it clear that A.N.S.W.E.R. doesn't really believe that Kerry "has an identical position as Bush on Iraq." That's why the A.N.S.W.E.R.-friendly Green Party won't even support Ralph Nader.

Then again, we're not engaged in an honest debate about anything here. Consider how everyone pretends that they really want the permits for protesting. Then an A.N.S.W.E.R. spokesman announces that if the permits aren't given, "the whole city will erupt in demonstration." Everyone cheers as if that's the preferred solution. The demonstrators don't even seem to comprehend the event they want to protest. "Did you see the line-up?" asks an angry old lady. "Bush is speaking, and the First Lady-this is crazy!"

Speaking of crazy, remember that woman who sensibly asked Ramsey Clark about why A.N.S.W.E.R. doesn't condemn Democrats? She gets worse-specifically, when approaching me about her big pet theory. "Are you with the press?" she inquires. "Let me ask you a question. Do you know if the Iraqi people have cemeteries?"

"Well," I reply, "we know they have mass graves."

"Exactly! And how do we know that they weren't always using mass graves for cemeteries?"

I stare for a moment, and then inform her that I will now go stand on the other side of the demonstration. I pass the Psycho Against the Draft, who's decided that he no longer trusts Ramsey Clark. He's hectoring people and asking, "Do you have any relatives between the age of 18 and 26?" I try to take comfort in knowing there's a Loonier Left, but it doesn't work. These two are probably laying the groundwork for Al Gore's idea of an October Surprise. o