All the Presidents' Talk Shows
Liberals have often complained that there aren't many intelligent, left-of-center television talk show hosts. Now, with the news that Rhodes scholar Bill Clinton may get his own show, many may be whispering: Be careful what you wish for. Certainly for conservatives the old adage, "If you don't kill 'em, they only grow bigger," is more appropriate.
Word came courtesy of the Los Angeles Times last week that Bill Clinton perhaps wants to be "the next Oprah," as The Washington Post coined it, which would mean he'd suddenly be larger than life again, coming into everyone's living room every day. Already, he's made the covers of the New York tabloids?BUBBA TV?and landed a Washington Post editorial, simply based on mere speculation about the idea. (Not even Barbara Walters can command that kind of buzz for a half-baked tv project.)
Clinton was said to be interested in doing the show for a cool $50 million on NBC, though there have been denials and "no comments" from all parties involved (and after a media frenzy ensued Clinton's people downplayed the idea entirely?though didn't rule it out). His longtime Hollywood pals, Linda Bloodworth-Thomason and Harry Thomason, with whom he apparently discussed the idea, would likely be involved in producing the show.
It may seem like a loopy idea?and may be nothing but hot air?and certainly it is unprecedented. But no former first lady previously went on to become a U.S. Senator either?for a state she'd never lived in, to boot. The Clintons are a new breed of former White House occupants: young and ready-to-roll, relatively speaking. And Bill Clinton, remember, was the president who became synonymous with the new media age, both as promoter of the growth of the Internet and as the first presidential target of the then-burgeoning 24/7 cable news circus that strung him up at every opportunity he gave them?and he gave them plenty. It only makes sense that he should now spend his golden years ensconced forever within the little tube, preserved for time immemorial. (Surely the syndication deal on this one would go well past his death, providing reruns into the next century, like I Love Lucy.)
It would also be Clinton's greatest revenge on his enemies. He'd no doubt outdo the right-wing blonde bimbo lawyers in the ratings any day?and wouldn't it be fabulous to see the Clinton-bludgeoning Ann Coulter and Laura Ingraham come on his show and finally have a face-off? He'd give Bill O'Reilly a run for his money, put the 700 Club in the dust and obliterate the loony Alan Keyes (if he hasn't already sunk himself by now). The Oprah Book Club became legendary; you can only imagine what the Bill Clinton Book Club would do. Suddenly, dry government policy papers might seize the bestseller lists. If Oprah can get people reading obscure fiction, Bill Clinton might turn Americans into policy wonks (heaven help us!).
Clinton also might be much happier in the studio than he was in the Oval Office. When it comes to sideline fun, Hollywood's acceptance of decadence is well-known, and there would be plenty of interns willing to do whatever it takes to make it to the top.
What would the show be like? Called simply Bill, it might feature Clinton onstage with a studio audience, like his icon Oprah. But no one could guess what the content would be because Clinton would have to wait until after pollsters told him what people wanted to see each day. A couple of certainties, however: Krispy Kreme donuts would be a sponsor, and the ex-president would get a share of the Southern trailer-park tv-watching audience that would rival Rosie's.
Every president should have had?or should get?a talk show upon retirement. It would not only go a long way toward keeping their legacies alive in the media age, but for sheer entertainment it couldn't be beat. Herewith are some ideas for former and future former presidents' shows.
? The Real World with George and Barbara This would be a simple "reality-tv" format. And Barbara would have to be an integral part of the show, otherwise the ratings would drop dramatically.
Focus: George and Barbara, now out of the Beltway for almost 10 years, still struggle desperately with the complexities of life on the outside. After 12 years in and around the White House, George lost the election partially because he'd never seen supermarket scanners. Now, in The Real World, he and Barbara have a camera crew follow them as they make those arduous journeys from their Kennebunkport home to their Texas home and vice versa, navigating through airports and assorted other locales. "Look, Barbara, metal detectors?have you ever seen anything like it?!" George yells in one episode. In another, George, as usual, tries to get a piece of the action in Washington, calling up his boy on his "fascinating wireless" telephone. "W, don't let that Ariel Sharon push you around. Don't forget that Uncle Abdullah is the one paying the bills. Do you hear me? Hello? Hello? W?" Barbara walks in, "Come on, Daddy, let's go scanning at Price Chopper!"
? Softball, with Jimmy Carter Modeled as the antithesis of the popular Hardball with Chris Matthews, the soft-spoken Carter does an MSNBC show that is several decibels lower than anything television has ever seen. The night Carter interviews Sen. Joe Lieberman for 90 minutes goes down as the dullest event in television history, but millions tune in to what one critic describes as "banality so profound it borders on perverse spectacle," sending the ratings through the roof. Lieberman and Carter bond spiritually and found Democrats for God.
? Mr. President's Funniest Home Videos, with Gerald Ford Rather than having people send in their home videos, former President Ford shows videotapes of himself falling down around the house over the years.
? The Nixon Factor, with Dick Nixon Despite the fact that television was not his friend and that he was pretty damn ugly, former President Richard Nixon's show would have been similar to Bill O'Reilly's?who's no bathing beauty either.
The Nixon Factor would've featured an opening closeup monologue?his "talking points"?explaining the conspiracies of the day that envelope the country, his presidency and the world. The Jewish plot to seize power would be a recurring theme, and Billy Graham a recurring guest. Lots of secret, newly discovered tapes would be played over the air, and in one controversial show, Dick gives instructions on wiretapping.
? W's Playhouse, with George W. Bush This would be a Saturday afternoon children's show. The former president teaches American kids about geography and world politics. "This is Eye-ran, and this is Eye-rack," W says, using a pointer on a giant light-up globe in one episode. "That's where So-dom lives. Bad man. Very, very bad." Always flanked by 10 children?representing a multicultural spectrum?W happily hops around a set designed to look like a Texas ranch. Mr. Good and Mr. Evil are two neighbors who visit frequently, dressed respectively in white and black. "Go away, Mr. Evil," W says, as the kids cheer him on. In one episode, W attempts to explain the "axis of evil" to the kids. "This is a dark place of doom and gloom," he tells them. "It is far, far away." When one of the kids asks where it is exactly located, W looks perplexed: "Well, it's not really one place?hmmm... Let me call Vice President Cheney and ask him."
Ronald Reagan, of course, didn't need a show. Bedtime for Bonzo, or any one of several cheesy Westerns he starred in are playing somewhere on cable at least once a week.
Michelangelo Signorile can be reached at [www.signorile.com](http://www.signorile.com).