After 12 years of being single with occasional (rare) dating, ...

Meanwhile, the conversations are heating up. This last week we had phone sex on three separate occasions where she admitted to an orgasm. I will not bring myself to a climax over the phone, but am fascinated by her experiences. Although flattered, my concern is that this kind of "sex" is a contradiction to my personal commitment. I fear that premature sexual intimacy may hurt possibilities for the longterm, loving relationship that we are considering (she wants to come to California in 12 months).

Will you please tell me how to tactfully cool down this relationship and continue more personal intimacy rather than sexual?

?California Cooling

I'm betting you each have two failed marriages under your belts because you both have wildly immature definitions of the word love. Sure, having things in common is good, but when "kinda stupid" and "delusional" are the qualities you share?that's not so great.

It doesn't bode well that you're "in love" with someone you know solely via the internet and have only had phone sex with. Guess what?that's not real sex. I realize a lot of people will disagree and say you can fall in love over email, but they're wrong. You cannot declare yourself truly in love with someone until you've heard them fart. This is a known fact.

You've obviously got a magazine subscription's worth of issues if even the false intimacy you're experiencing over DSL is freaking you out. No wonder you decided to fall for someone who lives thousands of miles away: You're a scaredy cat. It's easy to pick one thing and blame the failures of your past on it, but I've fucked guys on the first date and had them stick around and be my boyfriend for years. Other times, I've waited for ages (okay, three dates) to put out, only to have them flee immediately. I can't even count how many of my friends banged the men who went on to become their husbands on their first dates. You're going to have to look deeper than that.

You can keep constructing these retarded boundaries with Ms. Berlin, but you're not going to see her for a year. If you refuse her even the paltry tidbits of phone fucking you're doling out, I doubt she'll make the return trip.

My girlfriend broke up with me seven weeks after I had quit my job in Boston and moved to New York to be with her. The problem: I was on antidepressants. The most painfully ironic thing about antidepressants is that they give the user a sense of stability so they can lead a better life, which includes finding romance. But when one finds romance, the antidepressants make it difficult to always enjoy it.

I am now going off my medication, and after two years of being on drugs that worked, I am frightened about my new medication-free life.

I rejoice every time I get an erection, particularly an unprovoked one. But at what cost? Will I find myself withdrawing from life? Will I sink into another depression? I'm willing to take that chance, as I have already lost what matters to me most. I am torn between the elation of my future sexual encounters and the sadness of not being able to share it with the girl who broke up with me.

Because someone is on antidepressants doesn't make them any less deserving of love and human contact. The sexual side effects of antidepressants are bad enough; we don't need you telling us that if we are on antidepressants people shouldn't even give us a chance ("Dategirl," 11/26). We deserve what all lovers deserve: kindness, understanding and patience.

?The Melancholy Kid

Listen sadsack, depression is no excuse for poor reading comprehension. The column you are referring to wasn't slagging off people for going on antidepressants?hell, if I ruled out men on the basis of happy-pill consumption, I wouldn't have anyone to go out with. Some girls like rich guys; me, I've got a yen for the chemically unbalanced.

I had a shrink who wanted to dose me during a particularly bleak period. I seriously considered it until he laughed off my concerns of sexual side effects, scoffing that as women don't get erections, there was no possibility of sexual dysfunction. Huh? Ever hear of an orgasm, Dr. Killjoy? This is the same licensed therapist who informed me that masturbation was a sin. I don't see him anymore.

The letter you're referring to was about someone who combined her antidepressants with copious amounts of alcohol on a regular basis. This chick was a mess. And messes are no fun to date. They poop in your bed, steal your money, vomit at your parents' house and flirt with your sister. Obviously I've dated a mess in my time.

You are not a mess. You are depressed. There is a tremendous difference. You are going through a scary time right now, and I hope you have a professional (not my former shrink) monitoring your withdrawal. Good luck.

Write dategirl@nypress.com or Dategirl, c/o New York Press, 333 7th Ave., 14th fl., New York, NY 10001.