A lil' conservative who needs a spanking.

Cradle-to-grave conservatives strike me as odd ducks. There are exceptions: Richard Brookhiser, a National Review mainstay since his youth, who also brings a biweekly dose of balance to the increasingly left-wing New York Observer, is one. But even Brookhiser doesn't adhere strictly to a James Dobson agenda, as he's a longtime advocate of at least decriminalizing marijuana.

Currently, I'm thinking of a 19-year-old named Ben Shapiro, an intelligent youth whose columns appear on the website Townhall.com, as well as in the Orlando Sentinel. Shapiro's Oct. 15 piece, "Put 'Coming Out Week' Back in the Closet," was mind-numbingly narrow-minded, the kind of fodder that liberals (except those running for president) rightfully invoke to prove the intolerance of some conservatives.

Shapiro, while professing acceptance of homosexuals, isn't at all artful in masking his bigotry. What got his goat earlier this month was the annual "Coming Out Week" at colleges across the country. Benny Boy would prefer that gays mind their own business, that newspapers wouldn't print notices of "civil unions" in the wedding section?I think it's kind of weird that a teenager would turn to those pages in the first place?and that television stations wouldn't show images of "two guys or two girls smooching."

He writes: "What do you expect? That we're going to sprint to the altar of political correctness and offer sacrifices to the god of sodomy? That we're going to sell our houses, leave our spouses, move to San Francisco and buy little yapping dogs?"

Shapiro lets readers know he's "a very tolerant guy." Sure, and so is Frank Rich on the subject of Fox News or Donald Rumsfeld. The baby pundit continues: "I don't think I'm alone in this respect. Most Americans believe that homosexuality is sinful. They're not going to break down your doors looking for pink feather boas, but they're not going to sit idly by when you tell their children that men can marry men. We accept you. You are human beings. But we do not approve of you. Not matter how many gay parades you hold, we will not approve of you? When you tell us we are bigots for upholding God's definition of marriage, we get angry."

I don't spend a lot of time thinking about gay marriage, mostly because there are more pressing problems to be concerned about. Why is the idea of two men or two women getting hitched such an incendiary issue in contemporary American society? When nearly 50 percent of heterosexual marriages end in divorce, it doesn't seem to me that anyone ought to give gay weddings a second thought.

It's fair to ask why this columnist, as a supporter of President Bush, who's opposed to such unions, although it's not very high on his political agenda, condones some of the socially conservative views that he and other prominent Republicans hold. I'm practical, that's why, and not so ideologically pure that it takes unequivocal agreement with a candidate's platform to support him. Although Tom McClintock was preferable to Arnold Schwarzenegger in the recent California gubernatorial recall, he had no chance of winning. So I rooted for Arnold over the corrupt Gray Davis or the hack Cruz Bustamante.

Like Ronald Reagan, you take the 75 percent consensus every time. Had the doctrinaire voters who pulled the lever for the insufferable scold Ralph Nader voted for Al Gore, the latter would be president today.

Last Saturday, in the Washington Post, reporter Mike Allen wrote a confusing article contending that the religious right was endangering Bush's reelection campaign by threatening to force Republicans to sign a pledge supporting an amendment outlawing gay marriage. This "wedge issue," Allen says, puts Bush's image as a "tolerant conservative"?obviously not to hardcore lefties, who believe the president is one policy short of matching Hitler's evil?at risk with swing voters, especially women.

Bush won't get trapped like that. With the exception of Dennis Kucinich, Al Sharpton (a model of "tolerance") and Carol Moseley Braun, the Democratic presidential challengers all oppose gay marriage, and will not press the issue, especially when they appeal to FDR Democrats (what's left of them) with class warfare and alleged abuse of the environment. Does anyone honestly believe that Howard Dean or Dick Gephardt, while sympathetic to "gay civil unions," will risk offending the vast number of union members and black voters who don't support gay marriages by making it a key part of their platform?

As noted above, it's a non-issue from my perspective. Of course gays should be allowed to marry; of course gambling ought to be legal; of course drug laws, at the least, should be relaxed; and of course prostitution isn't criminal behavior. But no candidate with a chance of winning, Republican or Democrat, will get near those views.

Open Cuba's Borders

Keeping to the topic of dissent, I found myself in grudging agreement with an Oct. 25 New York Times editorial on the subject of Cuba. The paper applauded Congressional Republicans?"renegades" they're called?for opposing President Bush's steadfast refusal to ease travel restrictions to Castro's island. The Times instinctively gets it wrong by writing: "The renegade Republicans apparently think that Mr. Bush's approach is dictated less by a coherent vision than by electoral concerns involving anti-Castro Republican voters in Florida."

This is editorial demagoguery. Bush, like many in his party, has held this opinion regardless of whether an election is on the horizon. I don't agree with Bush, who believes that allowing more U.S. tourism and commerce to flood Cuba will result in Castro confiscating the riches, but it's not incoherent.

It's true that at the start, lenient policy might result in the aged dictator's taking advantage of increased capital, but the man isn't going to live forever. In addition, at some point, as U.S. companies flood Havana and outlying regions with business and tourists fill hotels, young entrepreneurs in Cuba will summon, by sheer numbers, the sort of uprising that'll force Fidel into retirement. And like the Soviet-controlled nations in the 1980s, which fell one by one, it's likely a new, vibrant democracy will emerge.

Obviously, it won't happen immediately, and Castro is likely to continue his poisonous practice of imprisoning and sometimes executing dissidents. But time's running out for the dictator, and if the United States stops the charade of acting like he's as powerful as Stalin 60 years ago, rather than a fading relic, it won't be long before he'll either flee the country or be killed by his own citizens.

Torre Should Walk Away

The Marlins' uplifting victory over the Yanks in the World Series last Saturday night was, to be accurate, no small consolation to Bosox fans. If Boston can't make it to the Series, there's just one option available, even if you don't watch every inning of every game: root against New York. Sour grapes, sure, but anticipating George Steinbrenner's expected off-season eruption will make for far more satisfying entertainment than, say, the excellent Kill Bill: Vol. 1.

(By the way, I don't get the preoccupation of some film critics and gossips claiming that Quentin Tarantino's latest is incredibly violent. It's cartoon violence; nothing compared to The Godfather films, or, for that matter, a tv series like 24.)

Steinbrenner's casualty list is expected to be high. David Wells blew his audition for other teams by leaving after one inning in the fifth game with back spasms, especially after making fun of Roger Clemens' rigorous workout regimen. Jeff Weaver probably will be jettisoned for a song, and I'll bet he thrives with a small-market team. I don't think Andy Pettitte is as money-driven as other players, and if the Astros open the wallet just a crack, he might opt to be near his Texas family and skip what could be the deterioration of Joe Torre's and Brian Cashman's magnificent run with the Yanks.

The city's sports media are hunting for scapegoats. While Jason Giambi is suspect, especially with his high-ticket salary and possible steroid unpleasantries, I don't at all understand why so many writers are turning on Alfonso Soriano. In the Oct. 25 Post, Joel Sherman wrote: "As for Soriano, his skills have seemed to regress, his confidence is damaged and it hardly feels as if the Yanks can build around him anymore."

That what-did-you-do-for-me-yesterday hysteria simply shows Steinbrenner's wackiness to be contagious. Soriano had a crummy post-season, like many superstars do (Nomar Garciaparra comes to mind). The young player is the most exciting Yankee on the field, and if Torre would move him to center field (shift no-arm, fading-legs Bernie Williams to right), he'd be of more value to the team. Aaron Boone's another late-October goat?despite his winning homer that clinched the American League pennant?and like Weaver, he might not be able to survive the spotlight of Yankee Stadium. Too bad: He's a talented young player and could be a fixture at third base now that it's obvious that Drew Henson won't pan out.

Jeez, I'm starting to sound like a Bombers fan. That'll never happen, but even a fervent Yank-hater has to feel a touch of sympathy for the team. If Steinbrenner explodes and makes impulsive moves, future free agents will think twice before signing up for a tour of duty in the Bronx.

Mike Lupica, the Daily News' chief correspondent for Steinbrenner bashing, wrote the following words last Sunday: "Steinbrenner spends and spends and then brags about spending. About giving his manager everything the manager wants. Only his team never seems to hit in the clutch the way the old Yankees did, not often enough? These Yankees?let the World Series get away? Some things don't change. It is the Yankees who have changed. George Steinbrenner can buy everything except this: The way things used to be."

Joe Torre, a good guy who immediately congratulated the Marlins Saturday night, doesn't need this sort of abuse from the Yankees' owner. He can write his own ticket: manage somewhere else, go back to the broadcast booth, go fishing. Torre's an automatic for the Hall of Fame once he retires. He ought to pack it in before the Yanks?gasp!?fail to reach the playoffs at all and he's fired.

Send comments to [MUG1988@aol.com](mailto:MUG1988@aol.com)