Forgotten Rods, Spoiled Children

IN THIS GODLESS city, Catholics are fair game. And some of it is deserved. From the horrific sexual crimes against children to the haughty Cardinal Egan hiding out on 5th Ave. managing his real estate portfolio instead of tending to the spiritual needs of his flock, the church has fallen out of step. So much so that even in mixed company most people feel free to say whatever they want about the Catholic Church. But I'll tell you what: Say it around me, and I'll tell you to kiss my natural Catholic ass.

Yes, some Catholic priests have been pedophiles, but most are decent men of faith. Yes, the Church hierarchy covered up for some of these freaks, and for that they have lost a lot of goodwill from their followers and probably-if what they are teaching is anywhere near correct-gained an eternity of damnation. Still, most Catholic priests are decent men. As for the Catholic nuns, despite being goofed on for the cruel grammar-school beatings, they are the unsung heroes of this city. For generations they toiled for no pay. There they stood in front of 50 kids day after endless day and gave most of those monsters a decent education.

Catholic nuns and priests get a bad rap. I've worked in the New York City court system for the last 15 years, and I've seen more Protestant ministers, Jewish rabbis and gurus of various faiths brought before judges for various crimes than I have Catholic priests and nuns.

With the recent church sex scandals, the forgotten jewel of the Catholic Church is its school system. With almost 70 percent fewer teachers than NYC's Dept. of Education, the Church gives as good an education as can be had-for a very fair price. What many don't know is that all faiths are welcome to attend.

I often think that the criminals who run the city's public school system are responsible for spreading anti-Catholic slander. The old question of que bono-who profits-made me look at them. For generations, countless six-figure hacks have lapped at the public trough like pigs, while thousands of city children were given a third-world education. So much tax money was wasted on kids who were ultimately encouraged to attend a correctional facility instead. The public school administrators are the ones who should be wearing the orange of the jail system.

For a lot less money, the Catholic Church provides an environment that's just as safe and clean as your average public school-with a curriculum that's equally eclectic.

For 12 years, I went to Catholic schools in the Bronx: Our Lady of Refuge grammar school and Cardinal Spellman High School. College was public at CUNY-Queens College-and I finished up with a master's degree from the tough-ass Jesuits of Fordham University. Every cent I spent on my education was worth it. I was introduced to literature that was anything but pro-Catholic; the natural sciences were excellent. The teachers were dedicated. All this, during the unholy 70s. Yet, there was no school violence-other than the students getting smacked-in my schools, and no one left who didn't have a good shot of getting into college. I couldn't say that about some of my friends who went to the public schools.

I was also, during this time, an altar boy. Not once did a priest touch me in a sexual way. Sure, two of them smacked the holy hell out of me, but it was the Bronx, where altar boys were tough-and the priests tougher. I deserved the smacks.

The Catholic Church gave me the strength and conviction to hold on to beliefs that may not be popular in the wider culture. It taught me to think for myself. What non-Catholics don't realize is that most Catholics don't take the Church all that seriously. Birth control? Abortion? Divorce? Catholics make up their own minds on those matters. We may like the Pope, but we live our lives based on that good old-fashioned concept of free will.

Catholic schools still work in this city because they go back to the basics that have worked all along. Take uniforms. They work because working-class parents can save money on school clothes while also removing the element of peer pressure for kids who can't afford to get decked out in FUBU. Discipline? You bet your ass-they don't go medieval anymore, but if you act up in a Catholic school, you're sent home. And you don't come back until you've cleaned up your act. In a city full of chaos, this steadiness and reliability is a blessing to haggard parents.

In New York, if you don't live in a so-called good school district, you have few options. You could drop 20 grand a year and ship the kid out to one of the private schools in Manhattan. Or you could spend $2000 to $4000 a year at one of the many decent Catholic schools in the area. Your child may not become familiar with My Two Dads, but he or she might very well be introduced to East of Eden. Either way, your kid's going to learn to read. And then some. o