Celebrity Skin

Aren't you glad you're not famous? As the summer heat sizzles away what little brain power I normally possess, I find myself growing more and more fascinated by celebrity gossip (thank you, Perez Hilton!). Who wants to read books stuffed with words when you can read little snippets decorated with pretty pictures?

Poring over the various indiscretions and vagaries our favorite stars suffer through on a regular basis, it occurred to me that the reason that the lives of the fabulously rich and famous are so much more tumultuous than ours is because they surround themselves with sycophantic yes-people who never tell them when they're behaving like jackasses. (Exhibit A: Michael Jackson.)

So, being at heart, a deeply unselfish helper type, I thought I'd perform a public service and put a few celebs on the road to enlightenment.

The Jude Law & the Nanny To refresh your memories, superfoxy (and lately unattractively fey-seeming) Jude Law got caught schtupping his kids' caretaker behind fiance Sienna Miller's back.

Jude: You fool-if you're going to stray, for chrissakes, don't diddle the help. Do you really think some minimum-wage-earning chippy is going to be discreet? Especially after your penis got her fired? Dream on, sister! From now on, stick to sticking-it to Sienna's friends (preferably the married ones). This way they have as much to lose as you do by telling. And what are you doing getting engaged anyway? Your career is exploding, you just ditched your wife and you could have pretty much any girl (or boy) you want. Why not just sportfuck for a while?

Sienna: Getting engaged to someone you were fucking while he was still married is a terribly unwise maneuver, no matter how handsome that cheater might be. You can try to work the tearful, wronged, boho-chic fiancé angle, but the fact is, he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you. Don't do the crime, and whatnot.

Lorenzo Lamas & the Bunny Poor has-been Lorenzo cancelled his wedding after he crashed his wife's bachelorette party and found the former Playmate in a "compromising position" with a male stripper.

Lorenzo: Your demographic is only slightly more happening than Red Buttons', yet you managed to bag yourself a Playmate. Shouldn't you be on your knees thanking whatever higher power you worship that your bank account and marginal fame entitle you to tail that far worthier gentlemen only dream of? I mean, c'mon. She's a big-boobied, fully waxed, no-doubt-extremely-limber Playmate! Compromising positions are her bread and butter! Give it a rest, ya big baby!

Pam Anderson & Tommy Lee These two are apparently considering a third walk down the aisle.

Both of you: Again, why the rush to the altar? Instead of dreary wedding cake and apparently meaningless oaths to love one another forever, why don't you instead form a production company and pound out a couple more pornos before your good looks (and Pam's store-bought knonckers) go too far south. I hate to be mean, but both of you are looking a little roadworn of late; pretty don't last forever. I would be happy to script dialog, as the ubiquitous "you're so hot's" that peppered your last release got a little tired after a while. Or better still, you could do everyone a favor and eliminate all the yapping. (And if Tommy could toot that horn again, that'd be cool.)

Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes I have no advice for these two kooky kids as a relationship built on a mutual reverence for flying saucers is obviously a love that will last for this lifetime and all those that will follow in another galaxy, far, far away.

Jonathan Antin The star of Bravo's completely addictive reality show about this Hollywood Hairdresser-sorry, I mean, stylist-to the stars, bursts into tears at least once an episode.

Jonathan: I know you have have a girlfriend and you're continually yammering on about how much you love "hot chicks," but straight dudes (even those from LA) don't generally refer to adult women as "bunny rabbits" (unless they're talking about one of those easy Playmates). Now I'm not questioning your sexuality because of your chosen profession, but guys who feel a need to gas on about how straight they are as much as you do tend to be hiding a little something. I'm just saying that perhaps a little more self-awareness and a tad less denial could go a long way towards drying up the incessant waterworks.

Colin Farrell & His Playmate Co-Star What could prove to be this well-known coozehound's finest role is one he's trying to deny us, the viewing public! Farrell, along with Playmate (those girls get around!) Nicole Nahrain, apparently made a very naughty videotape that the suddenly uptight stud is trying to keep from prying eyes.

Colin: Lighten up, dude! Do you know how many people rented A Home at the End of the World just because it was rumored to show the Farrell McWeiner in all its myth-busting glory? (I'll give you a hint-at least one!) By anyone's count you've already had intimate relations with about half the women under fifty on the planet-why cheat the rest of us out of seeing what we'll never get? So not fair.

Nicole: How much trouble could you really get in if you release this on your own? Okay, but how bad would it be to forward a copy onto just one well-deserving advice columnist?